Soooooo, yeah. It's been a minute since I updated and that is for a reason.
I went from having lots of sober days to none again. I kept a calendar but I left it at work, I will update it when I get to it. I gave up.
And I guess I didn't hit my bottom and if I'm honest, I'm not sure I have yet either. I'm not sober tonight, and I haven't been for over a year...
But I WANT to be. I really do. The last few days I have been reading sobriety blogs and am so glad to see that even the best ones have slipped up every so often. This shit isn't easy, but any stretch of the imagination.
I want to get back into the sober life.
I feel like in this last (and pretty much ONLY) shot at sobriety I tried, I was all for it at first and then got caught up in the Instagram world of sobriety..."I had five hundred followers...they are not going to watch me crash and burn!" and it worked for a minute. I was working for my followers...but not for me. I even fudged some posts because I was not sober, but it seemed everyone wanted to root for me being so.
I can't do that any longer. I need to be honest. I need to tell you that I am planning on being sober next week to kill my anxiety for the fact that we are flying out to Vegas the week after and I will probably drink for those next couple of days because...well, I've never been sober in Vegas. And then I will try to be sober again.
Even I, in my vodka soaked state, know that is a fucking lie. You only want to quit the booze for a few days so you won't have a panic induced heart attack on the plane and once you are home safe, you will continue to drink.
Yet there is hope in the blogs that I am reading and even re reading my own. I have a small sense of hope, but my crippling (booze induced) anxiety makes me feel like I will never be able to escape it...mostly because stopping drinking makes me feel so fucking anxious.
Am I ready to try again, or am I just making excuses as to how, when and why I will be okay with either not drinking, or drinking?
Either way, I'm not a fan of myself right now...
