Because I felt kind of okay…

 Welp, of course.

My brother called me about two hours ago and told me that my mom is heading for the ER. Her night nurse felt her legs and they were very hard and she was concerned so she called Rescue to come get her and bring her to the hospital.

He will keep me posted on what he learns. My brother is my abuser, so this is always hard to deal with in the first place.

He said she told him to call me instead of calling herself because she didn’t want to get too emotional and she knew she would if she had to call me.

I don’t know anything at this point, but I know it’s not an emergency like when she had her stroke…it’s more like a wait and see what they say and about the tests they run.

The biggest problem is the mystery surrounding her housing situation if they let her go home tonight. It’s too late to call the office to find out if she will be allowed back in after being exposed to the ER and what if she isn’t???

My brother didn’t seem to concerned but he’s…well, my brother.
I am just sitting here, wondering how in the f*ck I have even been able to function at this point and now there is more. I know that is a total “WOE IS ME” situation but … yeah that is where I am going right now. I’m sick of taking a different blow to the face every week and really would like some time to be able to settle down and just relax.

I guess it serves me right for thinking earlier this week that work seemed to be getting a bit less frantic for me since I was no longer at the front desk. Right after that we got served with some more paperwork for an ongoing lawsuit and yesterday it seemed everyone up in arms about shredding a bunch of paperwork and “it’s all very secret, but don’t you worry about it, it’s fine!”

Accompany this with the whole never being left alone thing… Seriously this morning while my husband was out of the back porch drinking his coffee, I slid into the kitchen to make myself some avocado toast. It takes mere minutes and it would satisfy me before I had to go out to the store.
As soon as I put the toast in the toaster he was on me. “Can I help? I’ll slice the avocado. Oh wait, I now how to clear off every single surface in the kitchen and then slice the avocado with an amazing precise skill of a ninja…”

So I didn’t say anything, just went over to the toast and popped it back up because clearly, we are going to be here a while…

He finished about two hours later (sarcasm) and asked for the toast, I told him I would have to toast it again because I knew he wasn’t ready for it at the time it was toasting and he got butt-hurt ONCE AGAIN.

This is an obvious exaggeration, but this is also what I have to deal with every fucking day. I just wanted a nice quiet morning to make myself a snack and take it back to bed before I had to face the world and … yeah.

I’m gonna break eventually. A human can only take so much before they snap.

Now with my mom. I can’t even.

I just want to freeze time so I can take a week-long breather and then come back and deal with all this shit.

Alone? (mom update, but read through to my crazy…)

 

Hey guys, thanks for your kind words as I’m working through my mom drama. As an update, she is feeling much better. She is walking downstairs almost every day and feeling like her old self again. Her doctor had two phone visits with her and wants to have some blood work done, to rule out her kidneys. The good news is that they are able to take the blood draws in her building so she doesn’t have to go out and come back in…the bad news is that they only to it bi-weekly and she just missed it.

I think she is happy about this because, much like her daughter, she doesn’t want to hear any bad news and the longer they can keep it from her is best for her. Meh.

She is in good spirits and walking again so that makes me very happy. I should have been on the tail end of my visit to her at this point. We were set to fly out last Friday and come home this Tuesday. I’m kinda sad because this would have been the first Momma’s Day we would have spent together in 20 years but I know there is nothing we can do about it.

The best news is that my brother was able to find her a large amount of toilet paper and it was delivered a couple days ago. I can stave off that worry for now.

I did have a small worry in our conversation as she asked me if the phone lines were busy on Mothers Day. 

I didn’t understand what she was asking and wondered if she was worries about the lines for the flowers we ordered online. No, she was adamant that there were ALWAYS problems with the phone lines on Mothers day.

I just kind of agreed and let it go, but I worry if this is the beginning of dementia. She had it years ago when she let her diabetes get out of control. It was blood sugar induced, but it was scary AF.

I have talked to her a couple times since that, and she’s been mostly okay, but I am super scared that this might be the beginning. 

I’m scared I won’t get to see her before something might happen given the state of the world. I worry about everything.

I haven’t been my myself for 2 months.

I have never NOT worked during this shelter in place and my husband has been working from home.
I work all day interacting with people and then come home to a husband that is so starved for human interaction that he can barely let me get through the door. 

I am normally a person that gets overwhelmed with too much interaction. I am an empath, it is too much.

My new normal is to present too much at work, come home and have to do the same damn thing all over again and maybe get an hour if he decides to go to bed early where I can decompress.

Yes I am still drinking…that doesn’t really factor into this at this point.

I am normally a person that cannot handle too much human interaction…thus the Empath thing. Twice a year, I pay for a hotel room locally (not a cheap feat where I live) and hide away from people. My husband approves and it has helped out marriage.

I’M OVERDUE FOR THIS NOW AND HE DOESN’T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND IT!!!!!

I’ve told him this and yet, ten minutes after arriving home, he is right behind me: “How was your day, what are your plans for tonight?” And the worst after I just wake up on the weekend: “What do you want to do today? There is nothing worse than a wasted day!”

I have told him I need some throwaway days and that I cannot just ENGAGE right away after work…he understands for about a day and we are back to “normal” If I try to call it out, he gets butthurt. 

HELP!!!