Dear Universe...

Can we please stop playing the game of “How much more can we pile on Xay until she breaks”?
It’s been going on for well over three years now and I’d like to think I’ve been pretty fucking bendy, but I am only human. I am going to break, and I feel like I’m going to break soon.

You are testing my health, my marriage, my sanity and my emotional well being…and those last two were never really good to begin with.

I hate almost every single thing about my life. 

I hate going to work because my boss is a manic/depressive, bipolar sociopath that triggers me daily because she acts JUST like my father and my abuser mixed into one. And because for some stupid fucked up reason (thanks universe!) she adores me and keeps me as close to her as possible both in terms of physically and as a confidant.

I hate coming home because since quitting nicotine and having to work from home during the last few months, my husband has turned into a depressed person that blames all of his misery on me (or at least takes it out on me) while maintaining that his mental health is fine.

My mother is finally home from the hospital/rehab only to tell me tales that make me realize that she is not okay to be living alone and will probably end up in a nursing home sooner rather than later. 

Knowing that is her worst nightmare and knowing there is NOTHING I can do about it because I live 3000 miles away under a lockdown while my abuser (my brother) that lives locally to her does the bare minimum because his wife hates our family.

I can’t even look at what is going on with the world without crying constantly. So much death and unfairness and people fighting. As an empath it is just too much.

ALL OF IT IS JUST TOO MUCH!!!

I go to work and have to perform for my boss to keep her calm so she doesn’t go crazy psycho on the rest of the staff (not even kidding, it’s a thing). 

I come home and have to perform so that my husband doesn’t sense a single bad mood in me so that he can use that to play like everything is all my fault since I got off the anti-depressants THAT HE NEVER WANTED ME TO BE ON IN THE FIRST PLACE and therefore prove that his lot in life is to live with a heinous bitch for the rest of his days. 

I talk to my mom every night and have to be in a good place for her because she is scared (understandably) and doesn’t know what the heck is going to happen from day to day with her health and or living situation. 

And that is all I do other than drink and sleep. I can’t leave my house other than work and grocery, and I’m a hypochondriac so I wouldn’t want to anyway, to see friends and vent.

I have tried to reach out in facebook messenger chat or text, but admittedly not much and never while drinking-not even playing THAT game. I always get the vibe that they have a lot going on and can’t deal with my drama and I get that. It just leaves very little to no outlet for my pain.

I was doing online therapy but it was super pricey and I can’t justify it knowing that my work might be shutting down by the end of the year. I need to save as much as I can because I don’t know how my job or my marriage might turn out lately.

So yeah.

I’m just venting right now, but I’m getting very close to a breaking point and I don’t have the time or the money to break. 

So universe? A little time off to cool out would be nice. Maybe a whole week where nothing goes wrong? That would be rad. I shouldn’t even tempt fate with that.

Updates

 Things have been…well, things suck. Having said that, the last two days I feel like I have started to make the slow climb out of my own head to some sort of non depressive/angry state.

First things first. Mom spent about five days at the hospital. They ran tests and took an ECG and it was determined that the she had pulmonary hypertension on the right side of her heart and also surface blood clots and one deep vein blood clot in her legs. This has all apparently stemmed from her never using the CPAP machine she was given about 12 years ago due to her sleep apnea. All this time she has been causing her heart to work overtime because she never used it. Couple this with the fact that she basically hasn’t moved much in the last two years and boom, heart problems and blood clots.

She is currently in a rehab facility. She had to get a COVID test to go there so thankfully she tested negative after being the hospital for that long. Also, thankfully they are testing everyone before they let them in.

She is doing PT and on blood thinners and a Lasix. As of yesterday the fluid wasn’t really leaving her body and in fact she was gaining weight daily while not really eating a lot.

She told me last night that they were going to double the Lasix starting today.
Her insurance company wants her out of there by the 9th but the facility is hoping for longer…we will see how that battle goes down later.

She admitted to me that she has been aware of her swelling legs for quite some time and had been keeping it a secret from the both my brother and I as well as the staff at her assisted living. 

I know now and have known really from the past that she can’t be trusted about these things, but how can I police them from 3000 miles away? I can’t actually see her. And for months she has been pushing me off the phone after a few minutes when I call because she is scared she might slip and say something….or I might suspect something.

After a certain age, the child becomes the parent and it is truly scary when you don’t live near your new “child”.

The good news is, is that she doesn’t appear to be in a depressive state any longer. Every time I talk to her she sounds really upbeat and realizes that she caused this all herself. The other good news is that her assisted living doesn’t appear to have a problem letting her back in once she gets out of rehab. That was a HUGE concern of mine when this all started and I’m glad it doesn’t appear to be an issue. *knocks wood*

In other news, I’m still not sober.

Between the virus, having to go to work every day in fear because I work with people who don’t really think it’s real and go out gallivanting all the time, and my mom…yeah, excuses excuses.

What I can tell you is that I have not enjoyed the drinking hardly at all. And the hangovers are getting worse. The anxiety level in the last couple weeks has been almost unbearable. 

I was never a person that really got bad hangovers. I always hydrated at night before going to bed and it was never really that big of a deal.

It has been lately.

I know what all signs point to and I’m almost grateful. 

I can’t keep going on like I have been and with no “events” on the horizon like I used to use as excuses to not stop drinking, I think it is time.

I’ve been looking into Annie Grace’s 30 day challenge. 

Not putting a forever date on it has always worked well for me at least getting some sober dates under my belt. Forever seems such a daunting task and while I know it is the only way, I clearly cannot moderate or I would have by now, I just can’t seem to say the word because it makes me immediately want to dive into a bottle of vodka.

30 days seems almost doable.

I know once I get a good amount of days in, I will feel so much better and want to continue. I just need to get to that jumping off point.

At any rate, thank you all for your comments. You guys are the only thing that is really giving me hope and words alone cannot tell you how much that means.