Dear Universe...

Can we please stop playing the game of “How much more can we pile on Xay until she breaks”?
It’s been going on for well over three years now and I’d like to think I’ve been pretty fucking bendy, but I am only human. I am going to break, and I feel like I’m going to break soon.

You are testing my health, my marriage, my sanity and my emotional well being…and those last two were never really good to begin with.

I hate almost every single thing about my life. 

I hate going to work because my boss is a manic/depressive, bipolar sociopath that triggers me daily because she acts JUST like my father and my abuser mixed into one. And because for some stupid fucked up reason (thanks universe!) she adores me and keeps me as close to her as possible both in terms of physically and as a confidant.

I hate coming home because since quitting nicotine and having to work from home during the last few months, my husband has turned into a depressed person that blames all of his misery on me (or at least takes it out on me) while maintaining that his mental health is fine.

My mother is finally home from the hospital/rehab only to tell me tales that make me realize that she is not okay to be living alone and will probably end up in a nursing home sooner rather than later. 

Knowing that is her worst nightmare and knowing there is NOTHING I can do about it because I live 3000 miles away under a lockdown while my abuser (my brother) that lives locally to her does the bare minimum because his wife hates our family.

I can’t even look at what is going on with the world without crying constantly. So much death and unfairness and people fighting. As an empath it is just too much.

ALL OF IT IS JUST TOO MUCH!!!

I go to work and have to perform for my boss to keep her calm so she doesn’t go crazy psycho on the rest of the staff (not even kidding, it’s a thing). 

I come home and have to perform so that my husband doesn’t sense a single bad mood in me so that he can use that to play like everything is all my fault since I got off the anti-depressants THAT HE NEVER WANTED ME TO BE ON IN THE FIRST PLACE and therefore prove that his lot in life is to live with a heinous bitch for the rest of his days. 

I talk to my mom every night and have to be in a good place for her because she is scared (understandably) and doesn’t know what the heck is going to happen from day to day with her health and or living situation. 

And that is all I do other than drink and sleep. I can’t leave my house other than work and grocery, and I’m a hypochondriac so I wouldn’t want to anyway, to see friends and vent.

I have tried to reach out in facebook messenger chat or text, but admittedly not much and never while drinking-not even playing THAT game. I always get the vibe that they have a lot going on and can’t deal with my drama and I get that. It just leaves very little to no outlet for my pain.

I was doing online therapy but it was super pricey and I can’t justify it knowing that my work might be shutting down by the end of the year. I need to save as much as I can because I don’t know how my job or my marriage might turn out lately.

So yeah.

I’m just venting right now, but I’m getting very close to a breaking point and I don’t have the time or the money to break. 

So universe? A little time off to cool out would be nice. Maybe a whole week where nothing goes wrong? That would be rad. I shouldn’t even tempt fate with that.