So many things

 

Well I’m sober right now. 

I’d love to tell you that it is because I had a brilliant revelation and I see the error of my ways and blah, blah, blah.  

But no, that is not the case. 

I am currently not drinking because we had to abandon our house and evacuate to my father in laws due to a wildfire that is about two miles from our house.  I won’t drink in front of him. 

We first came out here on Wednesday night just as a precaution. I felt safer. I smuggled a couple of hard seltzer’s in and drank those right before bed behind the closed bedroom door but they didn’t even give me a buzz. It was more to help me sleep. 

The next night we decided we were safe enough to stay in our house for the one night and so I started drinking around five in the evening. 

Two hours later they called for a mandatory evacuation ending a quarter mile above our house. I stopped drinking and over the course of the next three or four hours we gathered all the important items and loaded both cars. 

By the time we headed out to my FIL’s I was sober enough to drive. 

That was the last drink I had. Hardly an earth shattering amount of time but the funny thing is, I haven’t wanted to. All I’ve wanted to do is sleep. 

This morning the mandatory evacuation for my house was set in place. No going back now. 

They are calling for dry lightening storms starting tomorrow night and that can only make things worse. 

There is a very good chance we are going to lose our house. Worse than that, it’s my husbands grandparents house. We rent it from his dad and it’s been in the family forever. 

Ready for more?

My mom has taken a turn for the worse and was moved to hospice end of life care yesterday. She’s in Maine and I’m in California. I just tried to call and she’s so doped up she can’t be woken up. There is a good chance I may never speak with her again.  It could be hours it could be weeks. 

I’m not built to handle this. I’m a wreck. 

I want my mommy. 

ETA: mom passed away tonight. I’m so very lost.