Thoughts On My Vacation...

 

We got home from our trip on Sunday night.  It was a rough day of traveling for me.  The flight was pretty bumpy for the first half but mostly smoothed out for the last three hours.  It didn't help that the entertainment systems in the back of the chair in front of us weren't working for some reason.  Being left up to my own thoughts on a plane flight when you are as afraid of flying as I am is not advisable. 😂 🤣

Thankfully there was wifi and phone chargers that worked.

First things first, I did NOT drink on this trip.  I will admit that the pull was there for the first couple of days.  As I said in my last blog, hotel rooms and drinking just go hand in hand for me and this was the first time being in one since I quit drinking.

Having just come off the 30 day alcohol experiment, it would have been very easy to say: "Welp, I'm done with that so I can drink if I want to, and this seems like a really good time to try moderating!" -- But I knew exactly how that would go and there would be zero moderating.  Not only because I know I'm not capable of moderating, but because I wouldn't want to.  The whole point of me wanting to drink because I was in a hotel room was to get obliterated, not to see if I could be okay with just one or two drinks.

I think I realized all of that the second day and having gotten through the first day alcohol free (though it was woefully short as we were exhausted and went to bed super early) made it that much easier to keep with booze-less theme.

By the third day it wasn't more than a passing thought here and there.  Easily dismissed, and for that I was very thankful.

The trip that I took would not have been possible had I been drinking.  I mean, we still would have traveled to my hometown and stayed as long as I did, but we would not have been able to get all the things done we needed to.

I would have needed to sleep in until at least ten or eleven every single day to keep the worst of the hangover at bay.  That would have given us a late start that would have pushed the nighttime drinking even later which would start pushing out the sleeping in even more -- Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

I would have been an emotional wreck that my mother wasn't there for us to visit and about the fact that we had to collect her ashes and ship them back to the west coast.  In fact, I would have been emotionally distraught about pretty much everything.

And the anxiety ... Oh my! I can just picture how horrible this whole trip would have been for me if my hanxiety was in full effect.  I know this because the last two trips I took to Vegas were like that.  And it would take me longer and longer into the drinking session to kill the hangover and finally start to feel better.  A vicious cycle that would eat up almost all the minutes in the day/night.

I'm happy to report that my anxiety was minimal this trip and was mostly related to the travel portion and getting my mom's ashes back home.  Other than that, I was flying pretty free.  I did most of the driving (driving outside of my normal to and from work routine usually gives me a lot of anxiety) and felt perfectly fine.

And I'm very proud to say that this was a vacation that my husband and I really enjoyed despite the subject matter.  We haven't really enjoyed a vacation together in years and I know that has a lot to do with my drinking (see examples of the easily emotional and anxiety above).  This time I could tell Hubs was able to relax and allow himself to have a good time instead of playing my nursemaid/babysitter the whole time.

All in all, I would have to say that my first sober vacation since I was a kid was a rousing success!  Did I want to drink?  Yes, initially.  Am I glad I didn't?  I can't even begin to tell you how glad I am that I didn't.

Ironically, I wanted to drink when we got home.  Not right when we got home because that was two in the morning and I was exhausted, but the next day when we had the day off and had to do the day after vacation chores.  It was fleeting and only lasted about an hour, but it surprised me.  I realize that it sounds super naïve for me to say that I thought I was over that already when I'm only clocking 41 days today, but I guess I really did think that.

If I'm honest about it, I guess it's because I really want to be over it.  I want the constant struggle to be over like magic because I have had a few good days, but I know that isn't the way this works.

Instead, I will be grateful for the good days and know that on the bad days, the cravings aren't lasting as long as they used to and my willpower feels like it's getting stronger.

On Vacation

 

Well, I am here in my hometown on the east coast for my vacation.  I have not had a drink, so there is that.

The actual traveling part of the trip went relatively smoothly (no hiccups or delays - a non bumpy flight and the bus rides were peaceful) and for that I am thankful, but it was a LONG 24 hours of a lot of "hurry up and wait".

After being awake for 33 hours, Hubs and I checked into our hotel around 3 in the afternoon and I was crashed out in bed by six.

Having said that, I will admit that there was a pull to drink.  Probably the strongest I've felt really since that first night when I quit a month ago.  As I stated in my last blog entry, I wasn't quite sure if I was going to remain sober on this trip because I hadn't had a vacation without drinking since I was a kid.  And I'm still not 100% sure, but I am proud to say that I have been able to resist so far.

However, the thought of and actual act of being in a hotel room was messing with my mind and still kinda does.

I mean, I used to deliberately stay in hotels in my town sometimes just so I could get rip-roaring drunk without any judgement.  I called them my "me-time weekends" and I would tell everyone that it was my time to just isolate and recharge my batteries by reading and watching movies and going swimming in the local hotel -- and while I did do all those things, they weren't the main event.  No, that was the vodka that I brought with me.  And sometimes I would drink just enough to get a pleasant buzz, but most times I would get blind drunk in the safety of the hotel room.

Other hotel times are usually Vegas related and well, in Vegas all bets are off.  I pretty much drank 24/7, but only got drunk at night once we were tucked into the safety of our hotel room for the night.

So you can see why it's a bit uneasy-making to not be drinking whilst in this hotel.

I'm not gonna lie, when we went to the grocery store while waiting to check into the hotel I was so tempted.  I even contemplated just getting a bottle of wine. Vodka Villain™ was telling me that wouldn't be as bad as my normal large bottle of vodka, but VV™ wasn't really fooling me.  I knew that if I had that wine it wouldn't even scratch the surface and then I would feel really shitty for having broken my streak of sober days, so I would have sent my husband out for vodka.  Better to just not have anything around.  Plus I knew that I was sooooo overtired that first night that it would have been a waste of a good drunk.  I would have been ready to pass out after the first two shots, but I would have kept drinking anyway until I was drunk and miserable.

So I didn't get any.  But I got lots of food, in keeping with the whole "Xay isn't going to lose any weight after ditching thousands of daily vodka calories because she is replacing them with sugar" theme, but I'm okay with that right now.

What was fantastic was the visit I had yesterday with my cousin.  She is one of my favorite humans on the planet and helped raise me when my parents couldn't keep their hands off of each others throats.  She's just a few years shy of 100 years old and still sharp as a tack, funny as all get out has a much busier social life than I do (which TBH, isn't saying that much).

I loved that we stayed at her place for hours chatting and reminiscing with her.  I was 100% present and didn't feel the need to rush things so I could get back to the hotel and get drunk like I normally would have.  It was so nice and as she is up there in years, I'm going to be very glad that I have those memories instead of regrets that I had stayed longer.

Tonight we are having dinner with a friend from high school.  She gave us a few options for places to eat and the one one we picked because it had most intriguing options for food, just happens to be a brewery.

Now this is weird, because I am having these visions of her getting a beer and asking if I want one and this shouldn't make me feel tempted or uncomfortable but it does.  The reason it shouldn't is because I wasn't a beer drinker so there is no temptation to want to drink one other than to possibly make her feel more comfortable to not be having one by herself.

The other reason that this is bizarre is that if I was actively drinking, I would have no problem refusing a drink at dinner.  I've almost always done that anyway.  That's the thing about being a closeted drinker.  I was always very careful to not drink much in public if at all.

So why am I all of a sudden weirded out at the thought that I might have to say no to a drink tonight?  It's odd to me.

Anyway, it's almost eleven and I'm going to hop in the shower to head out for lunch with another old school chum.  Just thought I'd check in to say I'm still fighting the good fight so far.