Thoughts On My Vacation...

 

We got home from our trip on Sunday night.  It was a rough day of traveling for me.  The flight was pretty bumpy for the first half but mostly smoothed out for the last three hours.  It didn't help that the entertainment systems in the back of the chair in front of us weren't working for some reason.  Being left up to my own thoughts on a plane flight when you are as afraid of flying as I am is not advisable. 😂 🤣

Thankfully there was wifi and phone chargers that worked.

First things first, I did NOT drink on this trip.  I will admit that the pull was there for the first couple of days.  As I said in my last blog, hotel rooms and drinking just go hand in hand for me and this was the first time being in one since I quit drinking.

Having just come off the 30 day alcohol experiment, it would have been very easy to say: "Welp, I'm done with that so I can drink if I want to, and this seems like a really good time to try moderating!" -- But I knew exactly how that would go and there would be zero moderating.  Not only because I know I'm not capable of moderating, but because I wouldn't want to.  The whole point of me wanting to drink because I was in a hotel room was to get obliterated, not to see if I could be okay with just one or two drinks.

I think I realized all of that the second day and having gotten through the first day alcohol free (though it was woefully short as we were exhausted and went to bed super early) made it that much easier to keep with booze-less theme.

By the third day it wasn't more than a passing thought here and there.  Easily dismissed, and for that I was very thankful.

The trip that I took would not have been possible had I been drinking.  I mean, we still would have traveled to my hometown and stayed as long as I did, but we would not have been able to get all the things done we needed to.

I would have needed to sleep in until at least ten or eleven every single day to keep the worst of the hangover at bay.  That would have given us a late start that would have pushed the nighttime drinking even later which would start pushing out the sleeping in even more -- Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

I would have been an emotional wreck that my mother wasn't there for us to visit and about the fact that we had to collect her ashes and ship them back to the west coast.  In fact, I would have been emotionally distraught about pretty much everything.

And the anxiety ... Oh my! I can just picture how horrible this whole trip would have been for me if my hanxiety was in full effect.  I know this because the last two trips I took to Vegas were like that.  And it would take me longer and longer into the drinking session to kill the hangover and finally start to feel better.  A vicious cycle that would eat up almost all the minutes in the day/night.

I'm happy to report that my anxiety was minimal this trip and was mostly related to the travel portion and getting my mom's ashes back home.  Other than that, I was flying pretty free.  I did most of the driving (driving outside of my normal to and from work routine usually gives me a lot of anxiety) and felt perfectly fine.

And I'm very proud to say that this was a vacation that my husband and I really enjoyed despite the subject matter.  We haven't really enjoyed a vacation together in years and I know that has a lot to do with my drinking (see examples of the easily emotional and anxiety above).  This time I could tell Hubs was able to relax and allow himself to have a good time instead of playing my nursemaid/babysitter the whole time.

All in all, I would have to say that my first sober vacation since I was a kid was a rousing success!  Did I want to drink?  Yes, initially.  Am I glad I didn't?  I can't even begin to tell you how glad I am that I didn't.

Ironically, I wanted to drink when we got home.  Not right when we got home because that was two in the morning and I was exhausted, but the next day when we had the day off and had to do the day after vacation chores.  It was fleeting and only lasted about an hour, but it surprised me.  I realize that it sounds super naïve for me to say that I thought I was over that already when I'm only clocking 41 days today, but I guess I really did think that.

If I'm honest about it, I guess it's because I really want to be over it.  I want the constant struggle to be over like magic because I have had a few good days, but I know that isn't the way this works.

Instead, I will be grateful for the good days and know that on the bad days, the cravings aren't lasting as long as they used to and my willpower feels like it's getting stronger.