So all was well last week. Hubs was out of town and I did very well, not giving in to the temptation to drink to be "naughty" because he wasn't home to police me. Not that he ever has in the past, but that is how my brain works.
So all was well, I got out of work early on Friday and picked him up at the airport. For some reason, it just felt right to have drinks that evening. Partly, because I wanted to see if I could just have drinks that night and that be it.
The short answer to the long story is no, I couldn't.
I woke up hungover, and feeling like crap. It's amazing how fast that feeling comes back.
That night we had a date and didn't get home until late so I just went to bed with no drinks. That was the plan and I stuck to it.
The next day we visited with family for most of the afternoon. When we got home I told myself I would just have a few drinks again and then not have any the next day so I wouldn't be hungover on Tuesday when I had to go back to work.
I think you already know how that went.
Yeah, I drank both Sunday and Monday.
The thing is, I didn't even really enjoy it! I felt like I was doing it just to prove to myself that I still could and that makes no sense.
In the end, all that happened is that my anxiety came back full force, my heart rate went up to an unhealthy count again...I didn't take my blood pressure because I didn't dare, but I'm sure that shot up back up as well.
In the short of it, I thought I was doing what I wanted to do, because isn't this what I've done for so many years?? Isn't that my normal?
But I ended up missing remembering eating dinner and going to bed and reading and getting good rest.
I hemmed and hawed that Friday night before taking that first drink. I would start to and then stop. Tell myself that I didn't HAVE to do it. I knew I wouldn't be happy with myself for doing it, but eventually, I did it anyway.
Once I broke the seal so to speak by having that first drink, it was much easier to agree to drinking the rest of the weekend.
Last night I didn't drink. It was pretty easy since I was out with friends until late for a weeknight. I just got home and went to bed. The fact that that girls were all drinking wine, didn't bother me. Drinking in a group of people hasn't been my thing in a good many years.
Today is my new second day sober. I learned a lot about myself and what I do and do not want out of my life this weekend.
It's easier this time around to not drink because I don't have that fear of the unknown like I did when I first quit almost a month ago after 20 years. That's not to say that it is easy...just easier. There wasn't as much blind fear about the fact that I was coming home tonight and not drinking.
Sorry this entry is all over the place. I am trying to write this fast and get it out while the husband is cooking dinner.
So I'm done with drinking again. Hopefully for longer than last time. I wish I could take this weekend back, but I can't. I can only move forward.
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