Update

Thanks to a comment from Dwight, I decided to update. I am so grateful for him checking in with me even if I don’t have good news to report…

Life is very scary right now. I’m not sober. I’m a hypochondriac working an “essential” job that has to go into work everyday. When it all first came down we were shut down for a whole day and then implemented a skeleton crew where our shifts worked every other day so we could maintain the six foot rule. That lasted exactly a week when they decided “Ef that, we don’t’ really care about our employees, we care about making money so let’s just scrap the whole thing and bring everyone in.” At least that is how I feel. If I survive this whole thing, I will be looking for another place of employment because after 14 years they showed me how truly little they care about our safety and well being.

We had an employee that I worked closely with recently, have to quarantine because her husband was told he worked with someone that tested positive. They cannot get tested because they don’t have high fevers, though they are showing all the other symptoms.

Everyone at my work is coughing and I know that it is allergy season but it is driving me out of my mind.

Because of so many people calling out (BECAUSE THEY FEEL SICK) I have been moved to the reception desk, as that is where I trained so many years ago and I am able to do the web work I do at that desk. Because it is reception, I have to have someone (one of the biggest coughers in our office) relieve me for breaks and lunches. I have learned to hold my pee like nobodies business! I refuse to take more breaks than I need to.

When I come back from my breaks I sanitize every surface including my mouse, mousepad and keyboard because she can’t help but touch all my stuff and pray for the best.

The problem is that we are going to be running out of sanitizing supplies soon at work. I don’t know what to do when that happens. Everyone is taking a very non-nonchalant attitude about everything and it is making me a lot crazy.

My husband has been lucky enough to work from home but I am so afraid of bringing this home to him as he has a heart condition and is one of the people they deem compromised.

Before you ask if I can confront anyone on this, please know that I have PTSD and I cannot confront anyone – especially my boss that reminds me of my abuser in so many ways it isn’t funny. I have been asked on so many levels why I can’t just tell them that I don’t feel comfortable – but they don’t understand the fear based environment that I have worked in for so many years. 

So yes, I’m still drinking. I feel like it is reaching a head soon. I don’t want to do it and my booze-brain keeps telling me that it is the only thing keeping me sane.

I know that I will feel much less stressed if I lay off, but I can’t comprehend that right now. There is just too much scary stuff going around in my brain.

Wow, that was a lot.