As we got older, it got increasingly harder to drink through a hangover and we switched to a slow day drinking to pass out in the evenings and sleep the whole night through.
As I thought about the journey I am going to attempt, I somehow thought that weekends would be the easiest. Thus starting my non drinking trial on a Saturday or Sunday would be the best option. I'm really not sure why I thought that, but it seemed justified.
Yesterday, I wasn't sure what the plan was. My husband(let's call him Marty), was out most of the afternoon with rehearsal. I woke up, lolled around in bed on my phone and saw him off to practice. I then got up and headed to the grocery store. I dosed with CBD oil and took my herbal calmative...forgetting to space them out with my antidepressant. I don't have any solid evidence that they might have any interactions, but I don't like to take chances.
I was feeling pretty good in the car and even drove to the further
and better grocery store because I felt pretty okay. Once I got there
and started shopping I started to have a mild panic attack. I think it
was because I had to take a pretty severe poop and I hate doing that in
public. I went to the bathroom there anyway, but then couldn't seem to
shake the panic. I started to have some pains and palpitations.
When I finally finished at the store and loaded the groceries into my car, I had to sit in the drivers seat and just breathe for a few minutes. Once again, convinced I was on the verge of a heart attack.
I had to stop at the other store on the way back home to pick up a prescription so I did that and then stopped for gas. Once I got home and I had brought the groceries into the car I stopped to evaluate the "palpitation" I kept feeling and realized it was kind of below my breastbone. Like half there and half below.
Now, I've been researching what could cause chest pains other than heart and there are three factors that could possibly be my problem. The first one is called Spinal Angina or something like that. It's when something is misaligned or pinched in your back and can cause pains that can be felt in your chest. I got the first pain in the middle of the night, the night after I had just been adjusted by my chiropractor. Normally he's really good and thorough, but he was closing his practice this month and he kinda rushed me through the adjustment because he had patients waiting after me(normally I am the last patient of the night).
The second is the panic attack itself. The panic attack can cause chest pains and heart palpitations, rapid heartbeat ect. It's just the state of panic that you are in.
The third is a hiatal hernia. Now I have long suspected myself of having HH. I always feel like I have to sit up super straight to get a deep breath. My midsection right under my boobs always feels kind of full and bloated.
The reason I explain all this, is because as I was convinced I was having a heart attack after bringing in the groceries and feeling that palpitation might be more of a gurgle, I decided to try an exercise I had read about in my research. It's a stretching kind of thing to move the hernia out of the chest area and back into the abdomen where it belongs. It's kind of a weird thing to do and I didn't know if I was doing it right, but soon I felt that "palpitation" go lower, into my upper stomach area instead of my chest.
I wish I could say that it cured my panic for the rest of the day. I think if my husband had been home to distract me, it might have been better. But no, I was alone to think about all the things that could go wrong in his absence.
So I put the groceries away, took another dose of CBD oil and laid down in bed to read. I finished the book I was reading and sort of got up and putted around. I got a text from Marty that he was on his way home and would be there in about an hour or so.
The problem with the weekend, is that there is too much time. Too much time to think and to contemplate whether or not you should drink. The thought of not drinking causes a panic to seep into my body and that starts the vicious cycle of panic/chest pain all over again.
I should point out that as a general rule, I don't have the pains that often without the panic and if I do, moving position generally makes the pain go away. *knocks wood* That makes me thing it is a muscu-skelital issue as well.
However, since Marty had his heart attack and I found out my cholesterol is pretty high, I've been paranoid about my heart to the point of insanity. (Side note: I will be getting a CT scan done to check for calcification in my arteries, but the first visit they had available isn't until the 11th)
So what did I do yesterday?
Well, I spent most of the afternoon in bed reading. I did have a drink around three thirty, right before Marty came home. Normally I start at noon.
I'm sure you are rolling your eyes, but this was a pretty big step for me. I also only drank about half of what I would normally do on a Sunday. I didn't drink myself into a black out. I ate dinner and went to bed early, reading some more in a new book.
So yes, I drank. But I did make some progress towards my goal I think.
I woke up this morning feeling NOT hungover and a lot less panicky because of that fact. I know that drinking only increases my anxiety when I am not actually drinking. Hangovers are a breeding ground for panic attacks and paranoia for me. That is one of the major factors in my wanting to finally stop for a while.
It's hard.
So I might follow in yesterdays steps today too. Marty and I had talked about going out and doing something tonight, but I don't think my anxiety is in a place where I want to do that yet.
My hope is to just do CBD oil when I get home from work. Cook dinner, relax and go to bed at a decent hour. Hit some CBD vape if I can't get to sleep right away. I found that on Thursday night when I had minimal drinks and did the above that even though I got less sleep than normal and it was only one hour at a time, the sleep was of a much better quality. And even thought I got three or four hours less of sleep than I would on a regular drinking night, I felt more rested than normal.
Anyway, this is my way of chronicling my journey, so I know what I have done and how it might have helped.
I can't promise to be an inspiration, but I can promise to be honest.
When I finally finished at the store and loaded the groceries into my car, I had to sit in the drivers seat and just breathe for a few minutes. Once again, convinced I was on the verge of a heart attack.
I had to stop at the other store on the way back home to pick up a prescription so I did that and then stopped for gas. Once I got home and I had brought the groceries into the car I stopped to evaluate the "palpitation" I kept feeling and realized it was kind of below my breastbone. Like half there and half below.
Now, I've been researching what could cause chest pains other than heart and there are three factors that could possibly be my problem. The first one is called Spinal Angina or something like that. It's when something is misaligned or pinched in your back and can cause pains that can be felt in your chest. I got the first pain in the middle of the night, the night after I had just been adjusted by my chiropractor. Normally he's really good and thorough, but he was closing his practice this month and he kinda rushed me through the adjustment because he had patients waiting after me(normally I am the last patient of the night).
The second is the panic attack itself. The panic attack can cause chest pains and heart palpitations, rapid heartbeat ect. It's just the state of panic that you are in.
The third is a hiatal hernia. Now I have long suspected myself of having HH. I always feel like I have to sit up super straight to get a deep breath. My midsection right under my boobs always feels kind of full and bloated.
The reason I explain all this, is because as I was convinced I was having a heart attack after bringing in the groceries and feeling that palpitation might be more of a gurgle, I decided to try an exercise I had read about in my research. It's a stretching kind of thing to move the hernia out of the chest area and back into the abdomen where it belongs. It's kind of a weird thing to do and I didn't know if I was doing it right, but soon I felt that "palpitation" go lower, into my upper stomach area instead of my chest.
I wish I could say that it cured my panic for the rest of the day. I think if my husband had been home to distract me, it might have been better. But no, I was alone to think about all the things that could go wrong in his absence.
So I put the groceries away, took another dose of CBD oil and laid down in bed to read. I finished the book I was reading and sort of got up and putted around. I got a text from Marty that he was on his way home and would be there in about an hour or so.
The problem with the weekend, is that there is too much time. Too much time to think and to contemplate whether or not you should drink. The thought of not drinking causes a panic to seep into my body and that starts the vicious cycle of panic/chest pain all over again.
I should point out that as a general rule, I don't have the pains that often without the panic and if I do, moving position generally makes the pain go away. *knocks wood* That makes me thing it is a muscu-skelital issue as well.
However, since Marty had his heart attack and I found out my cholesterol is pretty high, I've been paranoid about my heart to the point of insanity. (Side note: I will be getting a CT scan done to check for calcification in my arteries, but the first visit they had available isn't until the 11th)
So what did I do yesterday?
Well, I spent most of the afternoon in bed reading. I did have a drink around three thirty, right before Marty came home. Normally I start at noon.
I'm sure you are rolling your eyes, but this was a pretty big step for me. I also only drank about half of what I would normally do on a Sunday. I didn't drink myself into a black out. I ate dinner and went to bed early, reading some more in a new book.
So yes, I drank. But I did make some progress towards my goal I think.
I woke up this morning feeling NOT hungover and a lot less panicky because of that fact. I know that drinking only increases my anxiety when I am not actually drinking. Hangovers are a breeding ground for panic attacks and paranoia for me. That is one of the major factors in my wanting to finally stop for a while.
It's hard.
So I might follow in yesterdays steps today too. Marty and I had talked about going out and doing something tonight, but I don't think my anxiety is in a place where I want to do that yet.
My hope is to just do CBD oil when I get home from work. Cook dinner, relax and go to bed at a decent hour. Hit some CBD vape if I can't get to sleep right away. I found that on Thursday night when I had minimal drinks and did the above that even though I got less sleep than normal and it was only one hour at a time, the sleep was of a much better quality. And even thought I got three or four hours less of sleep than I would on a regular drinking night, I felt more rested than normal.
Anyway, this is my way of chronicling my journey, so I know what I have done and how it might have helped.
I can't promise to be an inspiration, but I can promise to be honest.
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