Today

This is some hard shit y'all.
So yesterday I did about the same as Saturday.  Started late and drank slow...about half of what I would normally do.  Ate and put myself to bed around 7:30.  Not feeling drunk at all.  Not even really buzzed.  I read for an hour and a half until the light had faded from outside and my eyes were closing on me.
I snuggled in with my favorite fluffy comforter and drifted a bit, but I'll be darned if I could get to sleep.  For hours.  I tossed and turned...drifted for a minute or two and then tossed some more. Long after my husband had come to bed.
Finally around one or so I took a hit of CBD vape and still had a hard time.  I would finally start to fall asleep and would then jerk myself awake.  I would say that I probably would sleep after that for about an hour at a time before something would wake me.  Either myself or one of the dogs.
Of course once my alarm went off I was sleeping like a baby and didn't want to get up.
Having said that, I still felt better rested this morning and today than if I had passed out drunk like I normally do on Sundays.  I was not expecting that.  I was expecting to drag today.
So other things of notice -- In my bloodwork panel from last week, my doc told me that I was highly deficient in vitamin D.  She gave me a script for some high dose vitamin D pills and I was going to start taking them today but the sheer dosage made me scared.  (The irony that I can pound vodka on a daily basis just fine, but I am worried about a high dose vitamin is not lost on me here.)  I am lucky enough to work at a place that sells holistic whole food supplements so I went looking for an alternative.  I found a vitamin that contained 1600 iu's of D per two pills and paired that with some magnesium capsules, I decided I would give that a chance.  Apparently the Magnesium helps you absorb the D better.
So having said that, and having not drank as much as normal yesterday...I have to say that after taking those pills and getting into my work day, that I felt like a million bucks. My anxiety was GONE.  I felt good. 
I was of course cautious, because this hasn't been my mood in a long time and it was very foreign to me.  I felt...dare I say, happy?  I was laughing and joking with my coworkers.  Something I haven't done much in the last two weeks.  I didn't even have to touch my CBD oil today.
This feeling lasted throughout the day.  I felt like I was on a high.  I couldn't wait to get home and NOT drink. 
That stayed with me until I walked through my front door.
You see my husband is at rehearsal tonight and that normally means I get the house to myself to imbibe and do things at my leisure.  Not that I don't normally, but I don't have him around silently judging.
As soon as I walked in the house my brain said: "Oh Xay, just have one drink.  It'll be fine." and the nerves were back.  Not full on panic, and if I had been true to sticking with my plan I would have CBD'd and told my brain to fuck off.  But that pull....that draw is so strong.  It's not even so much as physical.  Although TBH, I did a lot of research today on withdrawls and what I will have to look forward to and it scared the piss out of me.  But in full disclosure, I also remembered that two years ago we went on a two week trip overseas staying with relatives and I didn't touch a drop the entire time.  I was FINE.  In fact it was probably the best vacation we have had together because I was engaged and we were filling our days with activities instead of holing up in a hotel to drink most of the evening away.
This isn't easy.
I am determined to keep trying though.  I'm hoping that with my hubby home tomorrow night I will feel more willpower.  He knows that I am trying and he is totally my cheerleader without being preachy.  He knows what I am going through.  He's been there.  It helps a bit I think.
I still don't plan on drinking to excess tonight, but it was hard not being able to sleep last night.  I read somewhere today that that is the reason for a big percentage of relapses.  Trying to get to sleep after simply passing out for so long is fucking difficult!
Hmph.  So that is where I am right now.  I've just made salads for our dinners and lunches tomorrow and I think I'll fire up the telly to see what kind of documentary I can get lost in.
Tomorrow is another day.