40 hours

Welp, it took a little longer than I said it was going to, but I finally went without a drink last night - for the first time in a while - and not just because we had been out at a social engagement and come home late.
No, my reason was much scarier than that. 
Yesterday, while at work I had sudden onset of rapid heartbeat.
Now, it is no secret that I am prone to panic attacks, and said panic attacks cause a rapid heartbeat, but this just came out of the blue for no reason and it happened SO FAST!
I was sitting at my desk eating pecans and musing that I must be so hungry because I was still on my period, when all of a sudden it felt like my heart went out of rhythm.  Like three weird beats and then it just started hammering.  I quickly grabbed my heart rate monitor and put it on my finger - it registered 130.  I immedietly felt a panic flush and that sent the heart rate even higher climbing to 150.  My heart has never gone that fast and all in a matter of seconds!  My regular resting pulse is around 80 and all I was doing was sitting down.
Long story short (mostly because I don't want to relive it and set myself into a panic again), my coworkers laid me down in the break room and called my husband.  They had me do deep breathing and I was starting to calm down by the time Hubs got there. 
He took me to urgent care, they did an EKG and said that it indicated that I might be deficient in electrolytes.  Calcium, magnesium, vitamin D and potasium.  Apparently those being low on one or more of those things can cause Arrhythmias.  He ordered me to go get blood work done, which I did and we went home.  I won't know anything about the tests until next week.  The doc told me if it happens again to go to the ER.
Here's the thing.  Hubs and I are both on Keto diets and have been for the last two months.  I know that these diets can flush out all of the above electrolytes.  I haven't been supplementing them a whole lot but I have been trying to drink a lot of water.
Here's the other thing: Alcohol abuse also robs you of all of those nutrients.  I've been giving my body a double whammy.  And I've been doing it with the alcohol for 20 years.
It scared the shit out of me.
I had never felt so out of control and helpless about my health as I did at work yesterday.  And I never want to again.  EVER!
I have been lucky at a lot of things in my drinking career.  My last batch of blood work showed my liver levels to be fine.  But clearly all the years of drinking are taking a toll on my ticker.
Last night Hubs had a gig that I had planned to attend since it was fairly local.  I stayed home obviously and he asked me very nicely to not drink.  And if I did, to at least "be kind to" myself and don't go overboard.
The sad thing is - as scared as I was of what had just happened, I was almost more scared not to drink.  Seriously.  When you have gotten drunk pretty much everyday for the last 20 years, give or take a few vacation, it is scary to think of not being able to do so.  It's also scary to wonder about withdrawals.  Will it hurt my heart even more NOT to drink?  If I start to have withdrawals, will that cause even more damage?  So many fears and questions about the unknown.
Hubs tried to take a nap when we got home and I hopped on the interwebs and researched all things electrolytes, hearts and alcohol abuse.  All signs pointed to NOT GOOD.
When Hubs left around 7:00, I still hadn't had a drink.  I had taken some CBD oil and that was helping with the anxiety and fear of not drinking.  I also grabbed one of my usual "chasers" (sparkling water) and went into the kitchen to have a few sips periodically to help with losing my "routine".
At that point I was past the point of hunger where nothing in our fridge appealed to me.  I didn't want to stay in ketosis that night after what had happened with my heart.  I grabbed an old lean cuisine pizza from the freezer and ate half of that.
I took an herbal calmative supplement and attempted to go to bed and read.  I read for hours.  I would read for a while, put the book down and try to sleep, not be able to sleep and start reading again.
I know that part of this was because I was worried about being alone in my house in case I had another episode, but mostly it was the lack of booze.  There was no lubricant to make me sleepy.  I've gotten to the point in my drinking that I cannot sleep without it.  That alone speaks volumes.
I was still awake when my husband got home at two in the morning.  Sooo tired, but not sleepy.
I got up and we talked about his show and how I couldn't sleep.  He told me to go have drinks if I needed them, and I love that he is so non judgemental about it.  But I didn't.  I took some more CBD oil and attempted to go back to bed.  I read some more.
I finally dropped off somewhere after 3:30.  I slept fitfully.  I would start to fall asleep and jerk myself awake.  This happened very often, and every time it did I would get scared that I was having a withdrawal induced seizure. (Guys, living in my brain is no joke!  No wonder I drink!)
I reckon I got about 4 hours max of restless sleep.
So while I didn't drink last night, I woke up feeling kind of hungover from lack of sleep.  I laid in bed and read for another two hours before showing my face in the bright daylight. 
Hubs is currently napping because he got about as much sleep as I did.  I wish I could nap.
Dude, alcohol withdrawal insomnia is no joke!
I've just taken my first dose of CBD oil for the day.  On a normal Saturday with no plans I would be two hours into the vodka by now.  Even though my husband isn't asking me not to drink today ( I think he thought I would just go back to my routine if I didn't have any further complications last night) I am determined not to. 
I'll find out in an hour or so if it is more difficult for me to not drink when he is home or away.  Last night was hard, but at least I didn't have to make small talk, or talk about how I was doing.  I feel like that will make me more anxious.
So there it is.  I've been 40 hours without a drink as of right now.  It's freaking boring.