Baby Steps?

So I didn't update last night, but I didn't drink.

I was going to sit down and write an entry, but then I realized I wasn't really thinking about wanting a drink. I didn't want to start writing and make myself start thinking about wanting a drink, so I put myself to bed instead.

I did have a lovely dinner with my friend that I hadn't seen in a while.

My sleep was very disjointed. I would start to feel sleepy, like I could start to drift off and then I would jerk myself awake. Either one of my limbs would involuntarily spasm or I felt like I couldn't breathe just long enough to make me gasp for air. This is not unusual for me with sober sleep after a long period of non sober sleep.

In my experience, I should sleep a little easier tonight.

Of course, all my doubts are now starting to creep in and they are giving way to the "excuses" as to why I should allow myself to drink tonight.

Everything from: "I feel like I'm getting sick and I need to burn it out of my system." and "My boss isn't going to be in tomorrow so there will be less stress therefore it won't matter if I'm a little hungover." to "My judgemental sister in law is going to bring the dogs home and into our house on Monday (this is last minute news) and I need to super deep clean…I don't know HOW to nor do I WANT to do that SOBER!" and "Fuck it, I just WANT to drink tonight!"

Believe it or not, the cleaning one is the excuse I consider most valid. In my first days of sobriety (I love how I say that like I do this often) I like to be very gentle with myself and running around my house scrubbing and vacuuming without some alcohol in my body just makes me want to cry. I know that these are stupid reasons and they all stem from the reality of the last excuse I gave. I just WANT to.
The thing is, I'm ALWAYS going to want to, that is the curse of it all.

Meh.