First of all, wow. Just wow.
I was certainly not expecting the outpouring of support that I got in the comments of my last entry. It may have been unexpected, but let me tell you, it was NOT unappreciated!
I read them all at work today with tears running down my face. I had to stop at some points and regroup before I could continue reading them.
My husband is 100% supportive of me, but he's heard this song and dance so many times before that he's just kind of like: "Okay, sure honey." and waits for me to keep on drinking - which I normally do.
If I'm honest, I'm a little nervous to blog now that I know people might read it, but the whole point of this thing is to be honest from here on out so - marching on!
Something I didn't mention in this blog is that I have been on various anti-depressant medications for over 25 years. Later, I might delve into the depths of a not so perfect childhood but that is for another day. Let's just say not liking myself has been a lifelong issue.
Over the many years I have taken these meds there have been countless times when I have forgotten to take it for a day. The day after I forgot, I would be so riddled with anger and/or sadness. Crying for no reason, snapping at my husband over stupid things and just feeling a rage that I couldn’t explain.
On those occasions it made me realize that I obviously still needed to be on the medication full force since I had such a poor reaction when I didn’t take it. I was going to have to take this little pill for the rest of my life.
A couple of years ago I felt like the meds weren't working anymore, and now that I was in my 40's I didn't like the idea of being handcuffed to a daily pill. BTW, the irony in an active alcoholic saying that is not lost on me at all.
I discovered CBD oil and that had really helped control my anxiety. I slowly began to wonder if I could see about at least lowering my dosage of Celexa.
I did some research and found that quitting any kind of SSRI cold turkey is not recommended. There is a something that can happened called Antidepressant Discontinuation Syndrome that is VERY unpleasant. Symptoms include but are not limited to:
Catatonia
Chills
Depersonalization
Diarrhea
Difficulty Walking
Dizziness
Fatigue
Headaches
Impaired concentration
Insomnia
Irritability
Lightheadedness
Muscle pain
Nausea/vomiting
Paresthesia
Psychosis
Shock-like sensations
Suicidal thoughts
Vertigo
Visual disturbances
Vivid dreams
I don’t know about you, but none of those sounded very fun to me, but neither did having to take meds every single day.
However, in my research, I also found out that what I thought I knew about my body and mind needing this medication as evidenced by my missing pills wasn’t necessarily true. I thought that because I felt so icky and mean and sad after skipping a pill meant that it showed how I would be in everyday life without it. What was really happening was that my body was experiencing a slight amount of Antidepressant Discontinuation Syndrome.
Was in possible that I could feel good without these pills..eventually?
So for shits and giggles on July 12 2018, I cut my daily dose of Celexa down from 40mg to 30mg.
It took over a year but currently I have been completely off my 40 mgs of Celexa for 130 days, so like...four and half months.
It has been hell.
Every taper was followed by two to six weeks of rage and uncontrollable tears for no reason. It would then stable out again and I would start the next taper.
I'm happy I'm off the meds, but I haven't seemed to have stabilized since my last 5 mg pill 130 days ago. I have good days and bad days but it seems more bad than good.
I feel like the drinking and hangovers are compounding this and that if I could just get to the pink clouds again, I would stop being such and ever-loving bitch to my husband and start to feel like a human being again.
I know that the withdrawals from the meds cannot be helping the anxiety that a hangover brings and vice versa.
But not drinking seems to cause me even more anxiety.
When I wake up in the morning with a pounding racing heart and a feeling of dread, I welcome the thought of not drinking that night. It seems like the best idea in the world, especially after having that small taste of sober life last year. But as the day wears on with all the pressures at work and the unending anxiety, I cannot help but start to crave that first drink after arriving home. The one that tells my brain: "Okay, you win, we are going to drink tonight...you can calm down now." and it does.
Damn. This shit is hard.
And just FYI, I am not really looking to go back on meds. I feel like I've worked too hard to get off of them and I really don't want to go back there again.
Anyhoo, that was a buttload more than I intended to write tonight.
In case you are wondering...and it should probably be obvious from what I just wrote, I am not sober tonight.
My short term goal that I hinted about last entry is to stop drinking on Sunday (those weekends are so hard tho!) and stay sober the rest of the week to make me less anxious for our flight on Friday night. I am pretty sure that amount of days sober will help me not freak out on the flight (have I mentioned I hate flying??) but then I will be in a place where I have never been sober and am not sure I want to be so I'm pretty sure I will drink that weekend.
Who knows, maybe I will feel so good from not drinking next week that I will continue while on our mini vacay...
I'm not going to bet on it, but that WOULD be the ultimate test...
Yeah, don't hold your breath.
One last thing before I sign off. After I wrote that last post and was honest getting all that off my chest, even though I didn't think anyone would read it, I got the first full nights sleep that I have had in a long time. Granted I had been drinking but that never makes a difference. I didn't wake up in the middle of the night in a panic attack for no reason and though I did wake up once when my husband or the dogs moved, I fell right back asleep until my alarm went off and it was wonderful.
I totally attribute that to getting all that off of my chest last night, whether it is true or not. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment