Plugging along

 

So I haven’t written in a little bit. And if I’m honest I had a slip on Friday night that led me to not caring on Saturday…but I reigned it back in on Sunday, so there is that.

Friday I was angry most of the afternoon…at stupid stuff. It started with me being angry that my boss was letting everyone go early but me so I walked out a half an hour early anyway.

Then I was pissed off because my husband was having to stay late at work for something that isn’t even part of his job, but he feels obligated to do every single time.

He is in purchasing and shipping and for some weird reason, even though the company has an entire warehouse full of employees for loading and unloading shipments, my husband feels responsible for the trucks because he either ordered them or signed off on them.

This was kind and endearing 13 years ago but now the warehouse totally takes advantage of this and on that Friday night, because the truck was late, they all just LEFT and now my husband had to stay four hours later than normal to load this truck that he isn’t even really supposed to be doing!

I was then pissed off at him for even falling into that trap.

At any rate, an excuse is an excuse and I used that as an excuse to drink.

Saturday, well I fell into the age old reasoning that I had already messed up so I might as well…

Sunday, I listened to the voice of reason and gave it a rest.

I’m not beating myself up about this. I’m still doing way better than I have in so very long.

It’s also a learning process for me now that I have so many sober nights under my belt. Waking up from a blackout used to be the norm for me for like 20 years. Saturday and Sunday morning were no fun. I wasn’t horribly hungover for some reason, but I regretted not having the decompression time I now give myself at night. My time before I go to sleep where I lay in my bed and drink my tea and read my book. That is so soothing to me now as is the slow awakening in the morning, feeling human. Not abruptly waking with a pounding heart and the disoriented feeling of not knowing quite what is going on because I don’t remember going to bed the night before.

I’m still very much a work in progress, but progress is the key word isn’t it?

My husband is trying to do his best by me for the most part. 

Last week my Tuesday and Wednesday were hard for some reason. I found myself crying and angry at the fact that I couldn’t drink. And it wasn’t necessarily that I wanted to drink, it was that I couldn’t if I wanted to … which I didn’t. It was weird.

My husband didn’t understand, but he tried to help in anyway he could. It’s gotta be a really odd experience for him.

At any rate, I am excited to announce that I cooked last night! Like, not just nuked some prepackaged, already cooked meat and some frozen veggies. 

I full on cooked a casserole, making the sauce from scratch. I’m talking stirring up butter, flour and milk to make a roux and everything!

I’ve mentioned before that the kitchen has been one of my nemesis’s in this journey to get sober. It’s where I did most of my drinking and cooking sober has felt like such a trigger to me the last three weeks that I have avoided it as much as I could. If I had to cook it was something easy like the above mentioned precooked meat and veggies or a salad thrown together in a hurry.

So last night, cooking an entire casserole from scratch was a pretty big deal to me and I am quite proud of myself. In fact, I didn’t even think much about it at the time. Hubs was out doing yard work right after we got home and I thought: “Well, if he’s doing that, I should at least get some dinner started.” and looked through the fridge and pantry. 

I just started pulling things out and whipping things into shape and before I knew it, I was cooking! And it wasn’t scary or triggering. I had some sparkling water in my fancy glass like I have been having for awhile now and I just did it. Like a normal person!

This was not something that my husband would have been able to understand, so I kept it to myself. But do me this is a huge accomplishment and yes, I am patting myself on the back. :D 

So that’s my update. I stumbled, but I did not fall too hard. I will probably stumble again, I’m human. But I’m improving and that is what matters to me right now.