Alone? (mom update, but read through to my crazy…)

 

Hey guys, thanks for your kind words as I’m working through my mom drama. As an update, she is feeling much better. She is walking downstairs almost every day and feeling like her old self again. Her doctor had two phone visits with her and wants to have some blood work done, to rule out her kidneys. The good news is that they are able to take the blood draws in her building so she doesn’t have to go out and come back in…the bad news is that they only to it bi-weekly and she just missed it.

I think she is happy about this because, much like her daughter, she doesn’t want to hear any bad news and the longer they can keep it from her is best for her. Meh.

She is in good spirits and walking again so that makes me very happy. I should have been on the tail end of my visit to her at this point. We were set to fly out last Friday and come home this Tuesday. I’m kinda sad because this would have been the first Momma’s Day we would have spent together in 20 years but I know there is nothing we can do about it.

The best news is that my brother was able to find her a large amount of toilet paper and it was delivered a couple days ago. I can stave off that worry for now.

I did have a small worry in our conversation as she asked me if the phone lines were busy on Mothers Day. 

I didn’t understand what she was asking and wondered if she was worries about the lines for the flowers we ordered online. No, she was adamant that there were ALWAYS problems with the phone lines on Mothers day.

I just kind of agreed and let it go, but I worry if this is the beginning of dementia. She had it years ago when she let her diabetes get out of control. It was blood sugar induced, but it was scary AF.

I have talked to her a couple times since that, and she’s been mostly okay, but I am super scared that this might be the beginning. 

I’m scared I won’t get to see her before something might happen given the state of the world. I worry about everything.

I haven’t been my myself for 2 months.

I have never NOT worked during this shelter in place and my husband has been working from home.
I work all day interacting with people and then come home to a husband that is so starved for human interaction that he can barely let me get through the door. 

I am normally a person that gets overwhelmed with too much interaction. I am an empath, it is too much.

My new normal is to present too much at work, come home and have to do the same damn thing all over again and maybe get an hour if he decides to go to bed early where I can decompress.

Yes I am still drinking…that doesn’t really factor into this at this point.

I am normally a person that cannot handle too much human interaction…thus the Empath thing. Twice a year, I pay for a hotel room locally (not a cheap feat where I live) and hide away from people. My husband approves and it has helped out marriage.

I’M OVERDUE FOR THIS NOW AND HE DOESN’T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND IT!!!!!

I’ve told him this and yet, ten minutes after arriving home, he is right behind me: “How was your day, what are your plans for tonight?” And the worst after I just wake up on the weekend: “What do you want to do today? There is nothing worse than a wasted day!”

I have told him I need some throwaway days and that I cannot just ENGAGE right away after work…he understands for about a day and we are back to “normal” If I try to call it out, he gets butthurt. 

HELP!!!

Update On Mom

 I talked with mom tonight. She is not having any breathing issues, no other issues in fact other than the leg swelling…although she did tell me that it was really hard going downstairs to get the boxes was very taxing on her and she felt very winded, but once she was able to stop and sit for a minute it was okay. I get this because she literally does not move farther than her chair to the bed to the toilet…that is all the activity she gets, maybe three times a day.

She called her doctor first thing this morning and left a message with an actual person about what was going on. She said they haven’t called her back.

She said that she did tell her caregiver last night what was going on with her legs and she agreed that my suggestion to sleep with her legs elevated was sound and to wait to hear back from her doc.

She sounded in much better spirits tonight but I know that is mostly because she finally told people what is going on and she isn’t internalizing it any longer.

I told her that she can’t just wait for her doctor to call her back, she needs to call them back first thing tomorrow and tell them again what is going on.

She came up with a theory while we were on the phone that the water retention might be due to all the food she is now eating since the shut down. She used to never go down to the dining area to eat, choosing to eat her yogurt and toast up in her apartment. Well, since this lock down, they have been bringing the meals that they would normally serve in the dining area, up to the residents. My mom isn’t used to a bunch of rich foods (they do not to food restrictions there at all) and is now eating two to three times the food she normally would and she said she’s been salting everything.

I told her to knock it off and she said she would.

I told her (as I always do) that she needs to start walking again, a little at a time. When she initially had her stroke, she would do her little leg strengthening exercises and they helped a lot. I keep trying to get her to go back to doing those and she has always resisted. Like once she recovered, she didn’t need to put in the work anymore and now here we are.

I told her to go for a small walk around her apartment floor tonight and elevate her legs again and make sure to call the doc tomorrow and I would check in with her tomorrow night.

I feel better that she feels better, but I know this is far from resolved.

I feel like the worlds worst daughter and this is exasperated by the fact that my brother (my abuser) and I do not get along so we cannot discuss these things like normal siblings.

I really hate this shit.

Not okay right now

 I’m so effing scared right now. I just talked to my mom. She admitted to me that she has been having some leg swelling from the knee to the ankle that started “a while ago” and she didn’t think anything of it. It started with one leg and then the other leg caught up.

Tonight when I called her she admitted that to me and then told me that her upper legs were now completely swollen too and she didn’t know what to do.

She lives in an assisted living facility that is on lockdown. If she goes to the hospital, she may not be allowed back into the facility that has been her home for the last ten years and she might have to go to a nursing home. Most of the nursing homes where she lives have been infected by COVID19.

She is very scared to tell them, but she is also worried enough to tell me and my brother who she called earlier tonight. If she’s worried enough to tell us, she is really scared.

She said my brother told her to go to the hospital. Don’t even get me started on my brother right now. I don’t disagree that she should go to the hospital but I totally get her fear that she might not be allowed back into her own home and that she will start a downward spiral because of the virus. She has a lung disease, diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease….ALL the risk factors for this stupid thing.
She said that the staff was giving her some tough love and making her go downstairs tonight to go help gather the fan that I sent her after she told me hers had broken. They are doing this because she never leaves her apartment. Like at all, before the virus, but now especially. I think that might be part of her leg swelling, but I don’t know. They said they were going to have her accompany them down to get the box and then back upstairs and she could take as many breaks as she wanted to along the way.

She is hoping that the activity will help her with the leg swelling. From what I read it is true that the inactivity she has been going through can cause the swelling…

I just don’t know what to do or think….I can’t. I literally cannot. We were supposed to go see her next month but had to cancel our trip. She lives 3000 miles away and there is NOTHING I CAN DO RIGHT NOW and it is freaking me out so bad.

She was thinking of telling the caregiver on call tonight that was going to walk her down about her legs because she trusts her but she didn’t know. She is afraid that the person might have to report it because of her job.

At the end of the call I told her to please have someone call me if she ended up going to the hospital tonight and that if not I would call her tomorrow for an update.

I’m so fucking scared right now.

My mother is kind of my everything and there is nothing I can do about this….it’s too much.

Working In Hell

So after my last post, I learned that a long term employee called out with what we were told she thought was allergies, was laid off after she told the employer that she didn’t feel safe coming back to work after the skeleton crew and social distancing went to hell. 

Just to drive that point home; she was laid off after telling her employer that she didn’t feel safe coming back to work because they were not providing the essential worker guidelines that were required for our business to continue to function.

Tonight I found out that one of our employees that called out for a half a week with a cough, tried to call out one more day – stating she still had a cough and was told: “Well, we really need you, but I guess it’s okay if you don’t feel good enough to come in” full well knowing she can’t get tested for the virus around here and we HAD BEEN TOLD NOT TO COME IN IF WE FEEL SICK.

The last thing I learned was that someone (I wasn’t told who do to privacy and safety reasons) reported us as not complying with the 6 foot rules and such that an essential business is supposed to follow.
They were told by OSHA that they are far too overwhelmed to deal with something like that and unless someone is in critical danger, they can’t do anything.

I’m so fucking over this. NO ONE CARES if we live or die.

I’m so sad that I need a paycheck, or I would ghost these fuckers so fast they would…well, they wouldn’t even care…let’s be honest.

Update

Thanks to a comment from Dwight, I decided to update. I am so grateful for him checking in with me even if I don’t have good news to report…

Life is very scary right now. I’m not sober. I’m a hypochondriac working an “essential” job that has to go into work everyday. When it all first came down we were shut down for a whole day and then implemented a skeleton crew where our shifts worked every other day so we could maintain the six foot rule. That lasted exactly a week when they decided “Ef that, we don’t’ really care about our employees, we care about making money so let’s just scrap the whole thing and bring everyone in.” At least that is how I feel. If I survive this whole thing, I will be looking for another place of employment because after 14 years they showed me how truly little they care about our safety and well being.

We had an employee that I worked closely with recently, have to quarantine because her husband was told he worked with someone that tested positive. They cannot get tested because they don’t have high fevers, though they are showing all the other symptoms.

Everyone at my work is coughing and I know that it is allergy season but it is driving me out of my mind.

Because of so many people calling out (BECAUSE THEY FEEL SICK) I have been moved to the reception desk, as that is where I trained so many years ago and I am able to do the web work I do at that desk. Because it is reception, I have to have someone (one of the biggest coughers in our office) relieve me for breaks and lunches. I have learned to hold my pee like nobodies business! I refuse to take more breaks than I need to.

When I come back from my breaks I sanitize every surface including my mouse, mousepad and keyboard because she can’t help but touch all my stuff and pray for the best.

The problem is that we are going to be running out of sanitizing supplies soon at work. I don’t know what to do when that happens. Everyone is taking a very non-nonchalant attitude about everything and it is making me a lot crazy.

My husband has been lucky enough to work from home but I am so afraid of bringing this home to him as he has a heart condition and is one of the people they deem compromised.

Before you ask if I can confront anyone on this, please know that I have PTSD and I cannot confront anyone – especially my boss that reminds me of my abuser in so many ways it isn’t funny. I have been asked on so many levels why I can’t just tell them that I don’t feel comfortable – but they don’t understand the fear based environment that I have worked in for so many years. 

So yes, I’m still drinking. I feel like it is reaching a head soon. I don’t want to do it and my booze-brain keeps telling me that it is the only thing keeping me sane.

I know that I will feel much less stressed if I lay off, but I can’t comprehend that right now. There is just too much scary stuff going around in my brain.

Wow, that was a lot.

Still here...

 I bet that title gets written a lot on trying to get sober journals…or at least I hope it does.

I have been struggling every since that stupid trip to LA two weeks ago.

Non-valid excuse after non-valid excuse has been flooding my mind and I have just accepted it like a good alcoholic. 

Clearly, my vodka knows what is better for me than I do.

I’ve not gotten completely snockered every night but I am definitely suffering from the “3 AM pounding heart, regret city, I wish I didn’t do that” party. It’s a stupid party in the harsh light of day and I don’t know why it seems so exclusive and inviting after work…

I have put an end date to it, however ( I hope). 

I have a plan of action in the works to not drink for an indefinite number of days starting Sunday.
I will post more this weekend in anticipation (don’t we always) of my quitting date.

But for now…I am trying to be gentle with myself. I know what I want and I know it wants me back. I will get there.

My Traveling Demon

 

So I guess if there is anything good about “slips” in the journey to get sober is that it teaches me a lot of things about myself if I let it.

So far what I have learned is that I tell myself I want to make sure I am sober the week before any sort of traveling event that will raise my anxiety. The other thing I have learned is that because of that elevating anxiety level before the trip it is super hard to stay sober the last couple of days before the trip.

I did this with Vegas in December and I did this just this week with our theme park trip.
I mean, I blamed it on other factors that really had no merit. For example, on Wednesday my husband said that was our big day to pack because he had to go see his dad the next night and wouldn’t be able to get as much done. 

I reasoned with myself that packing is a BIG THING and I haven’t done it sober in a very long time. It will make it very difficult for me to get to sleep because I will be so ampd up (currently I need to be in bed by like seven on sober nights to make sure I get the proper amount reading and relaxing that I require to drift of to sleep, also this is totally an excuse and I’m sure I could get to sleep just fine after nine but these are the reasons my brain makes so I can have a drink). 

So I drank.

We didn’t pack much on Wednesday so Thursday became my deal to make sure the most of the packing got done because the Hubs was still going to his dad’s that night. I reverted to the excuse from the previous night and drank.

Now, I didn’t get shitfaced both nights and I made sure to kind of keep hydrated and watch my intake so I wasn’t hungover the next day (because also huge stressful days at work Thursday and Friday that helped fuel my drink demon the nights before).

Friday after work we headed off to our hotel.

Hubs always drives because my anxiety doesn’t do well even as a passenger on more than a one lane road. This drive involved a four lane road one way for about an hour before we got to our hotel…this freeway is very twisty and turny and goes about 70 to 80 miles an hour. Knowing this in advance was the reason for my anxiety leading up to this trip. It was every bit as much of a nightmare as I thought it would be so despite my vow not to drink at the hotel that night because we didn’t get there and settle in until nine at night, I drank anyway. My drink demon told me that I was far too freaked out from the drive to fall asleep in any kind of timely fashion and of course I listened.

Again, I didn’t get crazy, but drank for about an hour and made myself go to bed.

Saturday after the 1st theme park all bets were off because I had told myself weeks ago that would be my reward for all the stress of the trip.

So what I have learned is that I will use any excuse when it comes to my anxiety about a traveling event and drinking. I tend to do really well on the couple of weeks leading up to the event but the week of, makes me go into that squirrelly part of my brain that can’t function without a drink to get past the freak out factor. I don’t realize that is the reason at the time…I give myself every excuse in the book to get myself to the bottle but that is the ultimate “excuse” in my brain.

Overall, I felt very disappointed in myself this weekend but I am not trying to beat myself up. The fear on the freeway is REAL for me and there was one moment where I legit felt like I was going to pass out. I know that I probably could have been okay on Friday night with just doing some deep breathing and reading my book but my bottle brain told me I deserved a few drinks for what I had been through.
The good news is that we don’t have another traveling adventure until May at this point and I am going to try and get way more sober days in before that so I can WIN THIS BATTLE!

If I can just keep the sober days going, I will be in a much better place before we have to fly in May and I am hoping it will just all come naturally at that point.

Wow, this is all so rambley, I’m sorry.