Sleepless in Soberland

Last night was brutal. Not the actual not drinking part...that actually went relatively smoothly.
I ate my dinner early and was posted up in bed with my book by eight with no real cravings other than the initial ones I had upon arriving home from work. 

What was so terrible was the fact that I could Not Get To Sleep at all last night.

I read for a bit until I felt sleepy, turned out the lights and put on my eye mask...and laid there...awake.

I know from experience that the first sober night after a long stretch of drinking nightly is rough and I think I let my fear of the thought of not being able to get to sleep get the best of me.

I think worried it into reality, if that makes any sense.

I took CBD oil and all my herbal calmatives and my magnesium spray and nothing worked. I would relax enough to feel like I might sleep and then I would worry that I was going to start twitching (this is something that typically happens a lot on my first night of sober sleeping after a long drinking period and therefore I was anticipating it too much) and I would start to have anxiety over it and so on and so forth until I was wide awake again.

I finally tried to change my mindset. I told myself that I was worrying about it too much and that there was no reason why I had to fear it. Even if it happened, I just had to wait it out until I could relax enough to fall asleep.

Finally around two in the morning I started to doze and of course kept jerking myself awake with my twitching. I tried to keep calm and get back to sleep after each one because the only thing I can really do when that happens is wait out my body until it is exhausted enough to sleep through it. That happened about an hour later. I slept fitfully after that but managed to get a total of about three jerky/snoring myself awake kind of sleep. Better than nothing I guess.

I'm not going to lie, the thought of getting up and slamming a few shots occurred to me a few times during the night. Each time I would push it away with the tentative promise that if it got too bad and too late, I would relent. However by the time I was desperate, it was past the point of no return. There would not have been time to "sleep it off" in time for work, and I was nothing if not a pretty functional and responsible drunk when it came to not showing up stinking of booze to my job in the mornings.
I'm completely out of it today. Like, my brain is mush and I am so super irritable and emotional. It doesn't help that I am PMSing, but add that to very little sleep and alcohol withdrawal? Yeah, I'm a hot mess.

It's so funny, I KNOW how to navigate my work day with a hangover, it may not be the funnest thing but it's something I'm really used to. This whole no sleep thing/withdrawals is a whole other ball of wax.

Historically for me, sleep gets a bit better each night so I'm shooting for being tucked up in my bed super early tonight. Given how tired I am right now, it shouldn't be an issue, but we'll see.
No real cravings other than the initial pull to drink just because it's what I always do when I get home from work. I'm not sure I would want to put a shitty passed out sleep on top of the lack of sleep that I got last night anyway. 

Sorry if this entry sounds all over the place, see the above statement about my brain being mush. ;)
So fingers crossed for better sleep tonight!!!!

Today

So yesterday didn't work out as planned. Shocking, I know.

Hubs was at his Dad's helping him around the house and I opted to stay home. I needed to mentally prepare myself for not drinking by laying around in bed all morning playing Homescapes on my phone. ;)

I was doing okay...not great when he got home. I was preparing steps for my meal prep and only slightly wavering back and forth on whether I should drink or not.

I got the egg muffins all prepared and put them in the oven, feeling a bit smug if I'm honest that I was able to complete some sort of baking project without hitting the vodka. 

It was about that time that my husband told me that we were going to clean out the Tupperware cupboard. Actually, if memory serves, he said he was going to do it and asked if I wanted to help.
I panicked. I have NO idea why, but I shit you not, the thought of cleaning out and organizing all our containers sober was absolutely terrifying!! 

I pretended I was fine for the next half an hour (we weren't going to start the organizing until the muffins were done) and then told my husband I was probably going to drink...and did so.

My brain was searching so hard for something to make me give in to that bottle that it chose picking over beat up food containers to make me have a panic attack and give in. 

Writing this out now is literally making me shake my head at the stupidity of it, but I swear to you that it was an absolute real terror I felt at the thought of doing that sober.

I mean, if you could have seen the cupboard, you might KIND OF see why, but still...that is one of the stupidest excuses ever.

So I did drink yesterday, but not nearly the volume I usually do on a Sunday. Still more than anyone should in a given day, but no where near my usual weekend consumption.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the day I decided I wanted to at least try a week sober.

I'm not going to lie, I'm already forming excuses in my mind as to why I need to not.

They are the lamest excuses of course, but they are forming.

I'm not ready.

I will still have Vodka in the cupboard (I just now noticed how I capitalize Vodka, hmm...).

I didn't get to day drink today like normal on a weekend because we had such a lovely time at the toddler's birthday party that we actually stayed instead of splitting after the normally acceptable hour.

I have to cook/meal prep tomorrow for the rest of the week and I clearly cannot do that sober.

I'm not ready.

What if it is such a nice day and I just want to day drink?

I'm pretty sure I'm going to be in a bad mood (REALLY??)

I might want to paint my nails and I'm not sure I've ever done that sober.

I'm not ready.

What if I want to ...? (this list is endless and the reasons don't even make sense!

I got a lovely comment today from msnewleaf (I'm not savvy enough to tag her) today that gave me pause from all of that:

 "I am looking forward to reading about your Day 1 tomorrow. You can do it! It is NOT easy, but there are so many of us doing the same thing, and we can all support each other. The more I read about others’ experiences after they have had some significant time sober, the more I want what they have. It seems to take at least 3 or 4 to 6 months to really start to get good and then just gets better after that. I don’t know this from personal experience yet, but I’m determined to get there! You should come, too."

You should come, too.
That touched me.
I'm one of those FOMO ppl that never want to go anywhere but always want to be invited. As a result of never showing up anywhere I no longer get invited any longer. I'm totally fine with is because I never wanted to go in the first place, but the fact that I wasn't invited hurts me. I realize this is totally stupid on my part and makes not sense but neither does most of my life so there. XD
This is an invitation I think I could get behind...I know I'm only shooting for one week right now, but the thought of my life getting so much better after putting in a few months of work sounds amazing. Like, SOOOOOOOO inviting.
I want that.

I just finally confessed to my hubby that I am going to try to do tomorrow and possibly next week sober. He is is usual supportive helpful self.
"Tell me if I need to hide the booze."
"Let me know how I can help."
"Do you need me to do anything?"
He's amazing...but he has been through this before...SO many times. He expects nothing from me because of my history and he doesn't want to be disappointed yet again. That should speak volumes to me.

Okay, I need to come back and read this tomorrow when I'm wavering. It tells me everything I need to know.

Things I envision myself doing whilst sober

What will I do when I am not a slave to the vodka?

The answers shouldn't be that complicated. A little over a year ago I had 3 weeks sober under my belt, but I don't feel like was was "living" at that point. I feel like I was merely doing things to keep my sober time safe with no hiccups and there is NO shame in that.

But as I am reading sober blogs of ppl that have a significant amount of sober time, I wonder what I would do to improve my life more than just NOT poisoning it every day.

I mean, what would my schedule look like?

I would still go to work the same time, but I would be much more rested of course. I would work my full work week but maybe I might be energetic enough for a small walk at lunch instead of sitting and gossiping with the girls (not that there is anything wrong with that) for a half and hour.

When I got home from work would I have the energy and the inclination to get a half an hour work out in to power me through making dinner and doing some chores?

After that will I have the mindset to shower (no bath option for me) to have a rinse off and then start a skin care regime before I get ready for bed?

This sounds like I'm being sarcastic about it, but this is really what I want. I'm just so stuck in the: "Go to work hungover, come home from work to immediately drink, do as little as possible because I'm fat and lazy and pass out without being sure if I even ate dinner or how I left things with my husband." mode.

God, no wonder I'm looking forward to Sober Sunday!

I do fear though, that getting sober will not take away my laziness gene...

Making a plan...

 Not the first time I've uttered those words when it comes to my trying to stop drinking, but I think I might be ready to try...if only for a week. I don't want to pressure myself into too much, that is when I buck back and resist. 

I'm thinking of starting my week of sobriety on Sunday. I might even start on Saturday...we have a birthday party to attend for a two year old so that will occupy most of the day. And as I remember it, the first sober night is a BITCH to get to sleep so maybe it might be better to start on Saturday. That way I have more rest on Sunday so I'm not a total Zombie when I go back into work on Monday. 

If I'm honest, that whole Sunday, day drinking thing will be VERY hard to resist...

The thing is, we have a thing coming up in February where we will be out of town and staying in a hotel for two nights. While staying in a hotel is always an even BETTER excuse to drink to me, I feel like I really want to try this as my first sober adventure. 

It's part of my husband and I's 20 year anniversary present to each other (the actual anniversary isn't for months but we are breaking things up and celebrating throughout the year) and I know it would mean a lot to him if I didn't drink til I blacked out during the festivities. 

Funny that.

So I need to start trying on these non drinking nights for size. 

For some reason after this last month of seemingly drinking more than usual because I was thinking of quitting, I had an odd moment of clarity today. 

Maybe it's all the sober journals I've been reading again, maybe it's because I've finally come off the withdrawals of the antidepressants I had been on for 20 years and tapered completely off several months ago (see a previous post that I'm not sure how to link), maybe it's just because I'm fed up with feeling like shit. Anxiety, depression and so many aches and pains both physically and mentally...

I'm not sure of anything...but tonight I feel a glimmer of hope and it's a lot more than I've felt in a while, so I will take it.

Fighting my way back.

I'm not sober right now but I really want to be! I fought with myself so hard tonight but the booze won out, I really hope this isn't triggering anyone that is reading.

I don't want to do this any longer. It hurts both my head and my body.

I know that my late mother in law wouldn't like me to, knowing how her son struggled with booze and now here I am. 

F*ck I hate this.

Stupid Excuse Files

I think I'm going to start a series that I hope won't last long given the nature of them.
The reason I gave myself to drink?

1/15/20 It's my night to cook and I am not sure I can do that sober...

I'm sorry, what??

Yup, that is what I told myself that late afternoon and I stuck to when I got home from work.

How pathetic! I cannot possibly not drink tonight because cooking is clearly a thing only drunk people can do! That is what it is translated to in the harsh light of day. So stupid.

Especially when you think about the fact that I started cooking after my second drink. I FELT ZERO BUZZ or intoxication. So how can this excuse possibly hold any water? It can't....and yet it did. 

When you are just looking for an excused to drink, you will believe ANYTHING!