I think I might be ready to try again?

Soooooo, yeah. It's been a minute since I updated and that is for a reason.

I went from having lots of sober days to none again. I kept a calendar but I left it at work, I will update it when I get to it. I gave up.

And I guess I didn't hit my bottom and if I'm honest, I'm not sure I have yet either. I'm not sober tonight, and I haven't been for over a year...

But I WANT to be. I really do. The last few days I have been reading sobriety blogs and am so glad to see that even the best ones have slipped up every so often. This shit isn't easy, but any stretch of the imagination.

I want to get back into the sober life. 

I feel like in this last (and pretty much ONLY) shot at sobriety I tried, I was all for it at first and then got caught up in the Instagram world of sobriety..."I had five hundred followers...they are not going to watch me crash and burn!" and it worked for a minute. I was working for my followers...but not for me. I even fudged some posts because I was not sober, but it seemed everyone wanted to root for me being so.

I can't do that any longer. I need to be honest. I need to tell you that I am planning on being sober next week to kill my anxiety for the fact that we are flying out to Vegas the week after and I will probably drink for those next couple of days because...well, I've never been sober in Vegas. And then I will try to be sober again.

Even I, in my vodka soaked state, know that is a fucking lie. You only want to quit the booze for a few days so you won't have a panic induced heart attack on the plane and once you are home safe, you will continue to drink.

Yet there is hope in the blogs that I am reading and even re reading my own. I have a small sense of hope, but my crippling (booze induced) anxiety makes me feel like I will never be able to escape it...mostly because stopping drinking makes me feel so fucking anxious.

Am I ready to try again, or am I just making excuses as to how, when and why I will be okay with either not drinking, or drinking? 

Either way, I'm not a fan of myself right now...

Update and observations on sobriety

I'm still here and I'm still fighting.  I have had a couple of slips in my attempt at sobriety, but overall I like to think that I am doing well.
I've been sober more days in the last three months than I have been in the last 20 years.  That is something right? 
I also have not let the slips derail me completely.  I have simply gotten back into the sober game the next day and not given up.  In the past it would have just been an excuse to keep drinking.  "Oh well, I fucked up.  Might as well get drunk tonight as well.  Since I have to start my count all over again, I might as well start a streak of drinking again.
Not to say those thoughts DIDN'T occur to me, I just was able to squash them down with actual logic.  Having so many sober days under my belt have shown me how good I feel while NOT drinking, so it's kinda easy to get back on the wagon after.
That's the other thing.  I haven't even really enjoyed my slips.  The drinking that I remember enjoying so much isn't actually the reality and it hasn't been for quite some time.
It's so funny how our mind tricks us into remembering our drinking sessions as so much funner than they actually were.  I mean, I know at one point in our drinking careers, they were fun or why would we have continued right?  But after a while for me it just literally became a habit.  Go to work, come home, drink and pass out.  Lather, Rinse, Repeat.  There was never a question of whether I WANTED to do it or not.  I just did it.  I had done it for so long that of course I must want to.

Having said that, here are some observations on my new found sobriety:

1) This one would seem like a given, but please remember that I have been drinking almost every single day for the last 20 years.  Waking up without a hangover is nothing short of amazing. Seriously! When I wake up in the mornings now I am refreshed.  I only hit the snooze button half of the times I used to and I have even (gasp!) worked out in the mornings!  This also translates into the rest of my day as well.  I get to work in a good mood and am a lot more productive in my work day.

2) The time I spend with my husband is quality.  Let's face it, my husband has put up with my shit for far longer than I would have.  He became sober around 13 years ago due to a health issue.  He didn't want to, but he had no choice.  We met and bonded over our mutual love of drinking 19 years ago and although I swore I would give up the drink when he did, I didn't.  I honestly can't imagine how he has done it.  He usually went to bed before I did at night because he didn't want to deal with drunk sloppy me and he shouldn't have to.  He has always claimed my drinking doesn't bother him as long as I'm not belligerent and as long as it isn't a threat to my health, but I know it had to get to him.  How could it not?
Now our nights are actually filled with conversation as we prepare dinner together and talk about our days.  We still spend our "unwinding" time apart, me on the computer writing and him no the back porch playing Candy Crush and chilling with the dogs, but we communicate so much better.  Oh, and the fact that I remember all of the conversations is a super plus in our relationship! 

3) I love sober sleep!!!  OMG, I feel like I have never been so rested in my whole life!  At the very start it was really hard to get to sleep.  I hear this is normal.  You spent so many nights just passing out that your body doesn't remember how to get to sleep normally.  But once it remembered, it has given me the most restful sleep of all time!  Seriously, I cannot wait to go to sleep at night!  I sleep solidly and as stated in #1, I wake up super refreshed.  I used to pass out for 8 or 9 hours a night but never feel like I had gotten a good nights sleep...because I hadn't.  Drunk sleep is shit.  Sober sleep is where it's at!

4) Remembering shit is awesome.  I was a black out drunk.  Even when I didn't feel like I was that drunk, I would wake up and not remember large chunks of the evening.  My husband would tell me that I seemed just fine the night before and when I told him I didn't remember, he would be shocked.  Over the years I got fairly well at hiding my blackouts by omission.  If he mentioned something from the night before that I didn't remember, I would just pretend like I did and try and figure out the details later.  The worst part was when I would have conversations with other people that didn't know I was a drinker and then not remember them.  Thankfully for me, most of those conversations were online and I was able to pull up the chat transcripts the next day for better or worse and determine if I had promised anything to anyone such as meeting for brunch or giving them a ride somewhere.
I cannot tell you how nice it is not to worry about that.  It sounds stupid to put that in writing and only a blackout drinker can relate, but it's so true.
Also eating food at night is and remembering it is fantastic.  I used to eat at the very end of my drunk and never remember it.  I would eat solely to soak up the booze so I didn't stink in the morning.  Talk about wasting calories!  Between the booze and the food I didn't remember eating, it's not wonder I had gained so much weight at one point!!

5) I'm and avid reader again.  Ever since I COULD read, I did.  I devoured books like candy and was always hungry for more.  My mother was constantly complaining about how much money she spent at the book fairs at my school.  After I took up drinking, reading at night was a no go due to the previously mentioned blackouts.  I would still occasionally read on my lunch breaks at work, but it wasn't the same.  I couldn't allow myself to get swept up in a story only to read it in a 15 minute increments.  It wasn't fair.  Audio books did become a thing in my recent past because I could put in earbuds at work and listen, but while that wasn't against the rules, it was frowned upon so I tried not to take advantage.
I now eat an early dinner(and remember it) to retire to the bedroom so I can read at night around 8:00PM.  In my drinking days, I would have just been hitting my stride at that point and couldn't imagine stopping my drinking to go read.  Now I crave it.  To the point where I am starting to have to enforce a cut off time for my reading.  I get so involved that I'll read well into the night after my husband has joined me in bed.  I will find myself looking at the clock and finding it is 10 or 11 at night and realize I have to get up for work in the morning and I need to get to sleep.  Oh, what a delicious problem to have!

6) This one sort of piggybacks on the above, but I no longer really watch TV.  It was an activity that I usually only did while lit and it was an exercise in futility.  I say that because I wouldn't start watching TV until I was pretty well wasted and then would only remember half of what I watched the next day and have to re-watch it, possibly more than once.  If that sounds foolish and dumb, it's because it is. 
If I stuck to 30 minute shows I would usually be okay, but the hour long dramas, forget it...and I did!  I would check my netflix Q and find that I had watched and episode but only partially remember it.  I would start it again and Marty would walk in and say: "Didn't you just watch this last night?" and I would feel that horrible shame and either ignore him or come up with a reason I was re-watching it.  "I needed to see her face when she made that decision...it's been bugging me all day." or something equally asinine. 

I'm sure that I will start watching again eventually, but in my sober mind, it is an activity that I did while drunk and I'm not ready to start integrating the two.  I hope that makes sense.  At any rate, with my reading, I haven't missed it at all.

Okay, I'm pretty sure I could go on for days, but I'm going to close this out for now because it's getting close to the time I need to go read in bed.  ;)

3 weeks and ...

So all was well last week.  Hubs was out of town and I did very well, not giving in to the temptation to drink to be "naughty" because he wasn't home to police me.  Not that he ever has in the past, but that is how my brain works.
So all was well, I got out of work early on Friday and picked him up at the airport.  For some reason, it just felt right to have drinks that evening.  Partly, because I wanted to see if I could just have drinks that night and that be it. 
The short answer to the long story is no, I couldn't. 
I woke up hungover, and feeling like crap.  It's amazing how fast that feeling comes back.
That night we had a date and didn't get home until late so I just went to bed with no drinks.  That was the plan and I stuck to it. 
The next day we visited with family for most of the afternoon.  When we got home I told myself I would just have a few drinks again and then not have any the next day so I wouldn't be hungover on Tuesday when I had to go back to work.
I think you already know how that went.
Yeah, I drank both Sunday and Monday.
The thing is, I didn't even really enjoy it!  I felt like I was doing it just to prove to myself that I still could and that makes no sense.
In the end, all that happened is that my anxiety came back full force, my heart rate went up to an unhealthy count again...I didn't take my blood pressure because I didn't dare, but I'm sure that shot up back up as well.
In the short of it, I thought I was doing what I wanted to do, because isn't this what I've done for so many years??  Isn't that my normal?
But I ended up missing remembering eating dinner and going to bed and reading and getting good rest.
I hemmed and hawed that Friday night before taking that first drink.  I would start to and then stop.  Tell myself that I didn't HAVE to do it.  I knew I wouldn't be happy with myself for doing it, but eventually, I did it anyway.
Once I broke the seal so to speak by having that first drink, it was much easier to agree to drinking the rest of the weekend. 
Last night I didn't drink.  It was pretty easy since I was out with friends until late for a weeknight.  I just got home and went to bed.  The fact that that girls were all drinking wine, didn't bother me.  Drinking in a group of people hasn't been my thing in a good many years.
Today is my new second day sober.  I learned a lot about myself and what I do and do not want out of my life this weekend. 
It's easier this time around to not drink because I don't have that fear of the unknown like I did when I first quit almost a month ago after 20 years.  That's not to say that it is easy...just easier.  There wasn't as much blind fear about the fact that I was coming home tonight and not drinking.
Sorry this entry is all over the place.  I am trying to write this fast and get it out while the husband is cooking dinner. 
So I'm done with drinking again.  Hopefully for longer than last time.  I wish I could take this weekend back, but I can't.  I can only move forward.

Two weeks

It's been two weeks since I had a drink.
For the most part, I feel amazing.  Anxiety is at the lowest level I've had in YEARS.  I've lost weight as well as a lot of the bloat in my face. My mood has improved by leaps and bounds.  I'm getting lots of wonderful quality sleep at night and wake up rested.  My blood pressure and pulse rate have dropped dramatically.  I remember eating and going to bed at night!
These are all fantastic things.
But I'm not going to lie.  I wanted to drink tonight.
I've been doing relatively good, thus the no blog entries.  I come home from work, take my CBD oil and relax on the couch and or prepare dinner.  Haven't really had the desire to drink this week.
However I was in on foul mood today.  I honestly have no idea why.  I got good sleep, I'm two weeks out from my period so I'm not PMSing, but everything in my body felt like I was.  From my irritability to my wanting to eat everything on the planet.  I couldn't figure out what it was, but on the way home tonight I kept thinking how I could sure use a drink.  And it's Friday after all so...
I didn't, but I was probably closer than I've been since I first quit.  Of course I'm glad that I didn't.  I suppose the draw will always be there and given that I'm still in the beginning phase, it will probably even get stronger as time goes by.
All I can say is that tonight, I did not drink.
Going to be busy this weekend so I'm not too worried about cravings.  Gonna love on the Hubs as it's our anniversary.
I guess that is all I have right now.  Kinda sleepy and hungry so I'll probably get something to eat and head to bed to read.
I've read two full books in the last two weeks and I'm loving it.  

I'm still here.

I didn't blog yesterday, but don't worry - I didn't drink.  (I love how I write like people are actually reading this thing.  Ha!)
I was just tired and went to bed early.  That meant I got a WONDERFUL nights sleep.  Eight solid hours!  It was glorious!
Today I've been feeling out of sorts.  I have this weird rattling/gurgle thing going on in my stomach and chest.  I've had it for almost a week I think but today it was very prominent.  Couple that with the fact that I haven't been able to pass gas, and I'm a bit worried about my insides. 
It's not the first time I've had a case of gastritis, it happens when I eat too many nuts and I have been lately.  The rattling/bubbling feeling is new though.  And of course I hop on the GoogleWebs and the first thing that pops up is perforated guts. 
Anxiety girl sprang into action and panic ensued.  That is a slight exaggeration, but I do admit that it is freaking me out quite a bit.  I'm not running a fever, so there is that.
Anyhoo.  I was also feeling some heart palpitations tonight.  Put that together with the stomach thing and it did not make for a good evening.  I drank some Poweraid Zero tho and felt better.  That tells me that my electrolytes are messing with me again.  I will be so glad when I get the test results back and visit my doc so we can get to the bottom of this.
Craving drinks tonight, but that is normal.  I was going to type that I wanted to drink tonight, but that isn't really the truth.  I don't want to drink.  What I want is to numb myself so I don't have to worry about these possible health issues.  That is what I did for the last 20 years.  Ironically that might be why I have the health issues in the first place.
Ug.
I don't really have much to post about tonight other than this.  I am going to go eat my salad and go to bed to read.  I really need to get out of the habit of eating right before bed, but that is what I have done for so long because of the drinking, it's weird to think of eating at a normal hour.  Won't I be hungry again before bed? 
All things to work on. 

Is it getting easier?

It seems easier tonight.  I'm not sure if that is because work was relatively easy today, or if because I had to stop at the pharmacy to get Hubs meds - therefore killing a half an hour of time that I would normally be sitting here at home feeling sorry for myself that I can't drink.  Or even if it is as stupid of a reason that I've lost more weight and the bloat has left my face.  It's so nice to see my cheekbones again.  I've missed them.
I'm not saying it's EASY...just a little easier.
Today at work we celebrated a pretty big anniversary of one of our co workers and there was a champagne toast.  There was only like an ounce in each glass because we were still at work, but I opted for the sparkling cider instead.  Not really a huge deal for me, since I rarely partake in a work environment.  That is just a recipe for disaster in my opinion.  I've seen many a coworker make an ass out of themselves in front of people that they shouldn't have. 
Plus I have never really drunk much in public in the last 15 years or so.  If I did have a drink, it was A DRINK and then I would switch to soda or something similar (unless you count multiple trips to Vegas).
There are two reasons behind that.  The first is that buying drinks at a bar is flipping expensive.  The second and most important is that I didn't want to make an ass out of myself in front of friends and or co-workers.  I also have a lot of friends that are in recovery.  To my knowledge, they do not know that I am a drunk.  I might have an occasional social drink at some sort of event, but more than likely (OH! Reason # 3!), I wouldn't have any because I was driving.
No, instead I would go home and drink.  I would have a good time hanging out with friends and calculate how long before is not longer impolite to duck out of the party so I could go home to my cheap, crappy vodka.
The good news about that is that going out and socializing shouldn't be a big deal to me as far as stopping the drinking.  That wasn't the way that I imbibed.  I'm a closeted drinker that would rather do it in the privacy of her home where no one can know and or judge me for it.
It's actually being at home that has been tough for me.  Ironically going out and socializing, coming home late and tired would be an asset to me not drinking.  Heh.
Yes, I have to say tonight is a little easier.  I'm looking forward to heading to bed and reading. 
I have been an avid reader since I was a child.  I read books in my tweens and teens like it was going out of style.  It shaped me and made me want to be a writer.
I gave up a lot of reading when I started drinking because I was more focused on getting drunk than on anything else.  So I watched a lot of TV and movies instead.  Not as enjoyable in my opinion.
I love laying in bed and reading.  I love going to bed and making small talk with my husband before we drift off -- and REMEMBERING it the next day.
I have to think about these small things when I'm feeling sad.

Sadness and Grief

Sadness and Grief were not the two words I would have thought I would use to describe my stopping drinking...and yet, here I am.
First of all, I'm an emotional wreck.  I tear up at the drop of a hat, be it happy or sad tears.  I didn't anticipate this, but I guess it is normal.  When something was such a huge part of your life for so long, I suppose it is just natural to grieve the loss of it.  It's just not something that I thought about when I thought about quitting.  I knew I would miss it, but I didn't realize the extent.  It's pretty major.
I guess I'm really not ready to talk about that part without becoming a big sobby mess so I'll just leave it at that for now.
In other news, I got about six and a half hours of sleep last night, but it was REALLY GOOD SLEEP.  :)  I woke up feeling tired, but not like I normally did when I had drunk the night before.  I actually woke and played on my phone for a half an hour instead of hitting the snooze button until the last possible minute.
At work I was really productive and didn't feel the horrible grogginess and fuzzy headedness that usually accompany me on a Monday after a weekend binge session.   In fact I didn't even start to feel like I was running out of steam until late afternoon.  Normally I'm ready to tap out by noon at the latest.  Heh.
The last half hour or so though I started to feel anxious.  Knowing that I couldn't drink when I got home.  How in the world am I going to relax after a full days work without it?  It's the times when I used to anticipate and look forward to "relaxing" when I got home that make me feel the most anxious/sad.  And I understand why.  This has been my crutch for almost half my life.  That's a tough one to get over, and I don't anticipate the sorrow going anywhere any time soon.  That sucks out loud.
Just had a convo with Hubs.  He didn't realize quite what I was doing with all this.  He thought I was just taking a couple days off so we just had a heart to heart.  He is of course 100% behind me, but now that he realizes what I'm doing he wants to be here more to help me out.  I appreciate that more than I can say.  He's been through what I'm going through and that fact is priceless to me.
We haven't gotten any answers yet, but his support is just what I needed to hear tonight.
Random thing I noticed: My allergies are gone.  I've been allergic to my dogs as long as I've had them.  I sneeze, I snot, and blow my nose multiple times a night to the point where the basket is overflowing.  This is a daily thing when I forget to take my Nasacort.  Since I stopped drinking, I've barely had a sniffle!  What's up with that?  No seriously, what is up with that?  Is that common?
Anyhoo, time to eat some dinner and go lay down and read.  I'm getting A LOT of reading done.  :-)