I'm still here and I'm still fighting. I have had a couple of slips in my attempt at sobriety, but overall I like to think that I am doing well.
I've been sober more days in the last three months than I have been in the last 20 years. That is something right?
I also have not let the slips derail me completely. I have simply gotten back into the sober game the next day and not given up. In the past it would have just been an excuse to keep drinking. "Oh well, I fucked up. Might as well get drunk tonight as well. Since I have to start my count all over again, I might as well start a streak of drinking again.
Not to say those thoughts DIDN'T occur to me, I just was able to squash them down with actual logic. Having so many sober days under my belt have shown me how good I feel while NOT drinking, so it's kinda easy to get back on the wagon after.
That's the other thing. I haven't even really enjoyed my slips. The drinking that I remember enjoying so much isn't actually the reality and it hasn't been for quite some time.
It's so funny how our mind tricks us into remembering our drinking sessions as so much funner than they actually were. I mean, I know at one point in our drinking careers, they were fun or why would we have continued right? But after a while for me it just literally became a habit. Go to work, come home, drink and pass out. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. There was never a question of whether I WANTED to do it or not. I just did it. I had done it for so long that of course I must want to.
Having said that, here are some observations on my new found sobriety:
1) This one would seem like a given, but please remember that I have been drinking almost every single day for the last 20 years. Waking up without a hangover is nothing short of amazing. Seriously! When I wake up in the mornings now I am refreshed. I only hit the snooze button half of the times I used to and I have even (gasp!) worked out in the mornings! This also translates into the rest of my day as well. I get to work in a good mood and am a lot more productive in my work day.
2) The time I spend with my husband is quality. Let's face it, my husband has put up with my shit for far longer than I would have. He became sober around 13 years ago due to a health issue. He didn't want to, but he had no choice. We met and bonded over our mutual love of drinking 19 years ago and although I swore I would give up the drink when he did, I didn't. I honestly can't imagine how he has done it. He usually went to bed before I did at night because he didn't want to deal with drunk sloppy me and he shouldn't have to. He has always claimed my drinking doesn't bother him as long as I'm not belligerent and as long as it isn't a threat to my health, but I know it had to get to him. How could it not?
Now our nights are actually filled with conversation as we prepare dinner together and talk about our days. We still spend our "unwinding" time apart, me on the computer writing and him no the back porch playing Candy Crush and chilling with the dogs, but we communicate so much better. Oh, and the fact that I remember all of the conversations is a super plus in our relationship!
3) I love sober sleep!!! OMG, I feel like I have never been so rested in my whole life! At the very start it was really hard to get to sleep. I hear this is normal. You spent so many nights just passing out that your body doesn't remember how to get to sleep normally. But once it remembered, it has given me the most restful sleep of all time! Seriously, I cannot wait to go to sleep at night! I sleep solidly and as stated in #1, I wake up super refreshed. I used to pass out for 8 or 9 hours a night but never feel like I had gotten a good nights sleep...because I hadn't. Drunk sleep is shit. Sober sleep is where it's at!
4) Remembering shit is awesome. I was a black out drunk. Even when I didn't feel like I was that drunk, I would wake up and not remember large chunks of the evening. My husband would tell me that I seemed just fine the night before and when I told him I didn't remember, he would be shocked. Over the years I got fairly well at hiding my blackouts by omission. If he mentioned something from the night before that I didn't remember, I would just pretend like I did and try and figure out the details later. The worst part was when I would have conversations with other people that didn't know I was a drinker and then not remember them. Thankfully for me, most of those conversations were online and I was able to pull up the chat transcripts the next day for better or worse and determine if I had promised anything to anyone such as meeting for brunch or giving them a ride somewhere.
I cannot tell you how nice it is not to worry about that. It sounds stupid to put that in writing and only a blackout drinker can relate, but it's so true.
Also eating food at night is and remembering it is fantastic. I used to eat at the very end of my drunk and never remember it. I would eat solely to soak up the booze so I didn't stink in the morning. Talk about wasting calories! Between the booze and the food I didn't remember eating, it's not wonder I had gained so much weight at one point!!
5) I'm and avid reader again. Ever since I COULD read, I did. I devoured books like candy and was always hungry for more. My mother was constantly complaining about how much money she spent at the book fairs at my school. After I took up drinking, reading at night was a no go due to the previously mentioned blackouts. I would still occasionally read on my lunch breaks at work, but it wasn't the same. I couldn't allow myself to get swept up in a story only to read it in a 15 minute increments. It wasn't fair. Audio books did become a thing in my recent past because I could put in earbuds at work and listen, but while that wasn't against the rules, it was frowned upon so I tried not to take advantage.
I now eat an early dinner(and remember it) to retire to the bedroom so I can read at night around 8:00PM. In my drinking days, I would have just been hitting my stride at that point and couldn't imagine stopping my drinking to go read. Now I crave it. To the point where I am starting to have to enforce a cut off time for my reading. I get so involved that I'll read well into the night after my husband has joined me in bed. I will find myself looking at the clock and finding it is 10 or 11 at night and realize I have to get up for work in the morning and I need to get to sleep. Oh, what a delicious problem to have!
6) This one sort of piggybacks on the above, but I no longer really watch TV. It was an activity that I usually only did while lit and it was an exercise in futility. I say that because I wouldn't start watching TV until I was pretty well wasted and then would only remember half of what I watched the next day and have to re-watch it, possibly more than once. If that sounds foolish and dumb, it's because it is.
If I stuck to 30 minute shows I would usually be okay, but the hour long dramas, forget it...and I did! I would check my netflix Q and find that I had watched and episode but only partially remember it. I would start it again and Marty would walk in and say: "Didn't you just watch this last night?" and I would feel that horrible shame and either ignore him or come up with a reason I was re-watching it. "I needed to see her face when she made that decision...it's been bugging me all day." or something equally asinine.
I'm sure that I will start watching again eventually, but in my sober mind, it is an activity that I did while drunk and I'm not ready to start integrating the two. I hope that makes sense. At any rate, with my reading, I haven't missed it at all.
Okay, I'm pretty sure I could go on for days, but I'm going to close this out for now because it's getting close to the time I need to go read in bed. ;)
Saturday, September 22, 2018
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
3 weeks and ...
So all was well last week. Hubs was out of town and I did very well, not giving in to the temptation to drink to be "naughty" because he wasn't home to police me. Not that he ever has in the past, but that is how my brain works.
So all was well, I got out of work early on Friday and picked him up at the airport. For some reason, it just felt right to have drinks that evening. Partly, because I wanted to see if I could just have drinks that night and that be it.
The short answer to the long story is no, I couldn't.
I woke up hungover, and feeling like crap. It's amazing how fast that feeling comes back.
That night we had a date and didn't get home until late so I just went to bed with no drinks. That was the plan and I stuck to it.
The next day we visited with family for most of the afternoon. When we got home I told myself I would just have a few drinks again and then not have any the next day so I wouldn't be hungover on Tuesday when I had to go back to work.
I think you already know how that went.
Yeah, I drank both Sunday and Monday.
The thing is, I didn't even really enjoy it! I felt like I was doing it just to prove to myself that I still could and that makes no sense.
In the end, all that happened is that my anxiety came back full force, my heart rate went up to an unhealthy count again...I didn't take my blood pressure because I didn't dare, but I'm sure that shot up back up as well.
In the short of it, I thought I was doing what I wanted to do, because isn't this what I've done for so many years?? Isn't that my normal?
But I ended up missing remembering eating dinner and going to bed and reading and getting good rest.
I hemmed and hawed that Friday night before taking that first drink. I would start to and then stop. Tell myself that I didn't HAVE to do it. I knew I wouldn't be happy with myself for doing it, but eventually, I did it anyway.
Once I broke the seal so to speak by having that first drink, it was much easier to agree to drinking the rest of the weekend.
Last night I didn't drink. It was pretty easy since I was out with friends until late for a weeknight. I just got home and went to bed. The fact that that girls were all drinking wine, didn't bother me. Drinking in a group of people hasn't been my thing in a good many years.
Today is my new second day sober. I learned a lot about myself and what I do and do not want out of my life this weekend.
It's easier this time around to not drink because I don't have that fear of the unknown like I did when I first quit almost a month ago after 20 years. That's not to say that it is easy...just easier. There wasn't as much blind fear about the fact that I was coming home tonight and not drinking.
Sorry this entry is all over the place. I am trying to write this fast and get it out while the husband is cooking dinner.
So I'm done with drinking again. Hopefully for longer than last time. I wish I could take this weekend back, but I can't. I can only move forward.
So all was well, I got out of work early on Friday and picked him up at the airport. For some reason, it just felt right to have drinks that evening. Partly, because I wanted to see if I could just have drinks that night and that be it.
The short answer to the long story is no, I couldn't.
I woke up hungover, and feeling like crap. It's amazing how fast that feeling comes back.
That night we had a date and didn't get home until late so I just went to bed with no drinks. That was the plan and I stuck to it.
The next day we visited with family for most of the afternoon. When we got home I told myself I would just have a few drinks again and then not have any the next day so I wouldn't be hungover on Tuesday when I had to go back to work.
I think you already know how that went.
Yeah, I drank both Sunday and Monday.
The thing is, I didn't even really enjoy it! I felt like I was doing it just to prove to myself that I still could and that makes no sense.
In the end, all that happened is that my anxiety came back full force, my heart rate went up to an unhealthy count again...I didn't take my blood pressure because I didn't dare, but I'm sure that shot up back up as well.
In the short of it, I thought I was doing what I wanted to do, because isn't this what I've done for so many years?? Isn't that my normal?
But I ended up missing remembering eating dinner and going to bed and reading and getting good rest.
I hemmed and hawed that Friday night before taking that first drink. I would start to and then stop. Tell myself that I didn't HAVE to do it. I knew I wouldn't be happy with myself for doing it, but eventually, I did it anyway.
Once I broke the seal so to speak by having that first drink, it was much easier to agree to drinking the rest of the weekend.
Last night I didn't drink. It was pretty easy since I was out with friends until late for a weeknight. I just got home and went to bed. The fact that that girls were all drinking wine, didn't bother me. Drinking in a group of people hasn't been my thing in a good many years.
Today is my new second day sober. I learned a lot about myself and what I do and do not want out of my life this weekend.
It's easier this time around to not drink because I don't have that fear of the unknown like I did when I first quit almost a month ago after 20 years. That's not to say that it is easy...just easier. There wasn't as much blind fear about the fact that I was coming home tonight and not drinking.
Sorry this entry is all over the place. I am trying to write this fast and get it out while the husband is cooking dinner.
So I'm done with drinking again. Hopefully for longer than last time. I wish I could take this weekend back, but I can't. I can only move forward.
Friday, August 24, 2018
Two weeks
It's been two weeks since I had a drink.
For the most part, I feel amazing. Anxiety is at the lowest level I've had in YEARS. I've lost weight as well as a lot of the bloat in my face. My mood has improved by leaps and bounds. I'm getting lots of wonderful quality sleep at night and wake up rested. My blood pressure and pulse rate have dropped dramatically. I remember eating and going to bed at night!
These are all fantastic things.
But I'm not going to lie. I wanted to drink tonight.
I've been doing relatively good, thus the no blog entries. I come home from work, take my CBD oil and relax on the couch and or prepare dinner. Haven't really had the desire to drink this week.
However I was in on foul mood today. I honestly have no idea why. I got good sleep, I'm two weeks out from my period so I'm not PMSing, but everything in my body felt like I was. From my irritability to my wanting to eat everything on the planet. I couldn't figure out what it was, but on the way home tonight I kept thinking how I could sure use a drink. And it's Friday after all so...
I didn't, but I was probably closer than I've been since I first quit. Of course I'm glad that I didn't. I suppose the draw will always be there and given that I'm still in the beginning phase, it will probably even get stronger as time goes by.
All I can say is that tonight, I did not drink.
Going to be busy this weekend so I'm not too worried about cravings. Gonna love on the Hubs as it's our anniversary.
I guess that is all I have right now. Kinda sleepy and hungry so I'll probably get something to eat and head to bed to read.
I've read two full books in the last two weeks and I'm loving it.
For the most part, I feel amazing. Anxiety is at the lowest level I've had in YEARS. I've lost weight as well as a lot of the bloat in my face. My mood has improved by leaps and bounds. I'm getting lots of wonderful quality sleep at night and wake up rested. My blood pressure and pulse rate have dropped dramatically. I remember eating and going to bed at night!
These are all fantastic things.
But I'm not going to lie. I wanted to drink tonight.
I've been doing relatively good, thus the no blog entries. I come home from work, take my CBD oil and relax on the couch and or prepare dinner. Haven't really had the desire to drink this week.
However I was in on foul mood today. I honestly have no idea why. I got good sleep, I'm two weeks out from my period so I'm not PMSing, but everything in my body felt like I was. From my irritability to my wanting to eat everything on the planet. I couldn't figure out what it was, but on the way home tonight I kept thinking how I could sure use a drink. And it's Friday after all so...
I didn't, but I was probably closer than I've been since I first quit. Of course I'm glad that I didn't. I suppose the draw will always be there and given that I'm still in the beginning phase, it will probably even get stronger as time goes by.
All I can say is that tonight, I did not drink.
Going to be busy this weekend so I'm not too worried about cravings. Gonna love on the Hubs as it's our anniversary.
I guess that is all I have right now. Kinda sleepy and hungry so I'll probably get something to eat and head to bed to read.
I've read two full books in the last two weeks and I'm loving it.
Thursday, August 16, 2018
I'm still here.
I didn't blog yesterday, but don't worry - I didn't drink. (I love how I write like people are actually reading this thing. Ha!)
I was just tired and went to bed early. That meant I got a WONDERFUL nights sleep. Eight solid hours! It was glorious!
Today I've been feeling out of sorts. I have this weird rattling/gurgle thing going on in my stomach and chest. I've had it for almost a week I think but today it was very prominent. Couple that with the fact that I haven't been able to pass gas, and I'm a bit worried about my insides.
It's not the first time I've had a case of gastritis, it happens when I eat too many nuts and I have been lately. The rattling/bubbling feeling is new though. And of course I hop on the GoogleWebs and the first thing that pops up is perforated guts.
Anxiety girl sprang into action and panic ensued. That is a slight exaggeration, but I do admit that it is freaking me out quite a bit. I'm not running a fever, so there is that.
Anyhoo. I was also feeling some heart palpitations tonight. Put that together with the stomach thing and it did not make for a good evening. I drank some Poweraid Zero tho and felt better. That tells me that my electrolytes are messing with me again. I will be so glad when I get the test results back and visit my doc so we can get to the bottom of this.
Craving drinks tonight, but that is normal. I was going to type that I wanted to drink tonight, but that isn't really the truth. I don't want to drink. What I want is to numb myself so I don't have to worry about these possible health issues. That is what I did for the last 20 years. Ironically that might be why I have the health issues in the first place.
Ug.
I don't really have much to post about tonight other than this. I am going to go eat my salad and go to bed to read. I really need to get out of the habit of eating right before bed, but that is what I have done for so long because of the drinking, it's weird to think of eating at a normal hour. Won't I be hungry again before bed?
All things to work on.
I was just tired and went to bed early. That meant I got a WONDERFUL nights sleep. Eight solid hours! It was glorious!
Today I've been feeling out of sorts. I have this weird rattling/gurgle thing going on in my stomach and chest. I've had it for almost a week I think but today it was very prominent. Couple that with the fact that I haven't been able to pass gas, and I'm a bit worried about my insides.
It's not the first time I've had a case of gastritis, it happens when I eat too many nuts and I have been lately. The rattling/bubbling feeling is new though. And of course I hop on the GoogleWebs and the first thing that pops up is perforated guts.
Anxiety girl sprang into action and panic ensued. That is a slight exaggeration, but I do admit that it is freaking me out quite a bit. I'm not running a fever, so there is that.
Anyhoo. I was also feeling some heart palpitations tonight. Put that together with the stomach thing and it did not make for a good evening. I drank some Poweraid Zero tho and felt better. That tells me that my electrolytes are messing with me again. I will be so glad when I get the test results back and visit my doc so we can get to the bottom of this.
Craving drinks tonight, but that is normal. I was going to type that I wanted to drink tonight, but that isn't really the truth. I don't want to drink. What I want is to numb myself so I don't have to worry about these possible health issues. That is what I did for the last 20 years. Ironically that might be why I have the health issues in the first place.
Ug.
I don't really have much to post about tonight other than this. I am going to go eat my salad and go to bed to read. I really need to get out of the habit of eating right before bed, but that is what I have done for so long because of the drinking, it's weird to think of eating at a normal hour. Won't I be hungry again before bed?
All things to work on.
Tuesday, August 14, 2018
Is it getting easier?
It seems easier tonight. I'm not sure if that is because work was relatively easy today, or if because I had to stop at the pharmacy to get Hubs meds - therefore killing a half an hour of time that I would normally be sitting here at home feeling sorry for myself that I can't drink. Or even if it is as stupid of a reason that I've lost more weight and the bloat has left my face. It's so nice to see my cheekbones again. I've missed them.
I'm not saying it's EASY...just a little easier.
Today at work we celebrated a pretty big anniversary of one of our co workers and there was a champagne toast. There was only like an ounce in each glass because we were still at work, but I opted for the sparkling cider instead. Not really a huge deal for me, since I rarely partake in a work environment. That is just a recipe for disaster in my opinion. I've seen many a coworker make an ass out of themselves in front of people that they shouldn't have.
Plus I have never really drunk much in public in the last 15 years or so. If I did have a drink, it was A DRINK and then I would switch to soda or something similar (unless you count multiple trips to Vegas).
There are two reasons behind that. The first is that buying drinks at a bar is flipping expensive. The second and most important is that I didn't want to make an ass out of myself in front of friends and or co-workers. I also have a lot of friends that are in recovery. To my knowledge, they do not know that I am a drunk. I might have an occasional social drink at some sort of event, but more than likely (OH! Reason # 3!), I wouldn't have any because I was driving.
No, instead I would go home and drink. I would have a good time hanging out with friends and calculate how long before is not longer impolite to duck out of the party so I could go home to my cheap, crappy vodka.
The good news about that is that going out and socializing shouldn't be a big deal to me as far as stopping the drinking. That wasn't the way that I imbibed. I'm a closeted drinker that would rather do it in the privacy of her home where no one can know and or judge me for it.
It's actually being at home that has been tough for me. Ironically going out and socializing, coming home late and tired would be an asset to me not drinking. Heh.
Yes, I have to say tonight is a little easier. I'm looking forward to heading to bed and reading.
I have been an avid reader since I was a child. I read books in my tweens and teens like it was going out of style. It shaped me and made me want to be a writer.
I gave up a lot of reading when I started drinking because I was more focused on getting drunk than on anything else. So I watched a lot of TV and movies instead. Not as enjoyable in my opinion.
I love laying in bed and reading. I love going to bed and making small talk with my husband before we drift off -- and REMEMBERING it the next day.
I have to think about these small things when I'm feeling sad.
I'm not saying it's EASY...just a little easier.
Today at work we celebrated a pretty big anniversary of one of our co workers and there was a champagne toast. There was only like an ounce in each glass because we were still at work, but I opted for the sparkling cider instead. Not really a huge deal for me, since I rarely partake in a work environment. That is just a recipe for disaster in my opinion. I've seen many a coworker make an ass out of themselves in front of people that they shouldn't have.
Plus I have never really drunk much in public in the last 15 years or so. If I did have a drink, it was A DRINK and then I would switch to soda or something similar (unless you count multiple trips to Vegas).
There are two reasons behind that. The first is that buying drinks at a bar is flipping expensive. The second and most important is that I didn't want to make an ass out of myself in front of friends and or co-workers. I also have a lot of friends that are in recovery. To my knowledge, they do not know that I am a drunk. I might have an occasional social drink at some sort of event, but more than likely (OH! Reason # 3!), I wouldn't have any because I was driving.
No, instead I would go home and drink. I would have a good time hanging out with friends and calculate how long before is not longer impolite to duck out of the party so I could go home to my cheap, crappy vodka.
The good news about that is that going out and socializing shouldn't be a big deal to me as far as stopping the drinking. That wasn't the way that I imbibed. I'm a closeted drinker that would rather do it in the privacy of her home where no one can know and or judge me for it.
It's actually being at home that has been tough for me. Ironically going out and socializing, coming home late and tired would be an asset to me not drinking. Heh.
Yes, I have to say tonight is a little easier. I'm looking forward to heading to bed and reading.
I have been an avid reader since I was a child. I read books in my tweens and teens like it was going out of style. It shaped me and made me want to be a writer.
I gave up a lot of reading when I started drinking because I was more focused on getting drunk than on anything else. So I watched a lot of TV and movies instead. Not as enjoyable in my opinion.
I love laying in bed and reading. I love going to bed and making small talk with my husband before we drift off -- and REMEMBERING it the next day.
I have to think about these small things when I'm feeling sad.
Monday, August 13, 2018
Sadness and Grief
Sadness and Grief were not the two words I would have thought I would use to describe my stopping drinking...and yet, here I am.
First of all, I'm an emotional wreck. I tear up at the drop of a hat, be it happy or sad tears. I didn't anticipate this, but I guess it is normal. When something was such a huge part of your life for so long, I suppose it is just natural to grieve the loss of it. It's just not something that I thought about when I thought about quitting. I knew I would miss it, but I didn't realize the extent. It's pretty major.
I guess I'm really not ready to talk about that part without becoming a big sobby mess so I'll just leave it at that for now.
In other news, I got about six and a half hours of sleep last night, but it was REALLY GOOD SLEEP. :) I woke up feeling tired, but not like I normally did when I had drunk the night before. I actually woke and played on my phone for a half an hour instead of hitting the snooze button until the last possible minute.
At work I was really productive and didn't feel the horrible grogginess and fuzzy headedness that usually accompany me on a Monday after a weekend binge session. In fact I didn't even start to feel like I was running out of steam until late afternoon. Normally I'm ready to tap out by noon at the latest. Heh.
The last half hour or so though I started to feel anxious. Knowing that I couldn't drink when I got home. How in the world am I going to relax after a full days work without it? It's the times when I used to anticipate and look forward to "relaxing" when I got home that make me feel the most anxious/sad. And I understand why. This has been my crutch for almost half my life. That's a tough one to get over, and I don't anticipate the sorrow going anywhere any time soon. That sucks out loud.
Just had a convo with Hubs. He didn't realize quite what I was doing with all this. He thought I was just taking a couple days off so we just had a heart to heart. He is of course 100% behind me, but now that he realizes what I'm doing he wants to be here more to help me out. I appreciate that more than I can say. He's been through what I'm going through and that fact is priceless to me.
We haven't gotten any answers yet, but his support is just what I needed to hear tonight.
Random thing I noticed: My allergies are gone. I've been allergic to my dogs as long as I've had them. I sneeze, I snot, and blow my nose multiple times a night to the point where the basket is overflowing. This is a daily thing when I forget to take my Nasacort. Since I stopped drinking, I've barely had a sniffle! What's up with that? No seriously, what is up with that? Is that common?
Anyhoo, time to eat some dinner and go lay down and read. I'm getting A LOT of reading done. :-)
First of all, I'm an emotional wreck. I tear up at the drop of a hat, be it happy or sad tears. I didn't anticipate this, but I guess it is normal. When something was such a huge part of your life for so long, I suppose it is just natural to grieve the loss of it. It's just not something that I thought about when I thought about quitting. I knew I would miss it, but I didn't realize the extent. It's pretty major.
I guess I'm really not ready to talk about that part without becoming a big sobby mess so I'll just leave it at that for now.
In other news, I got about six and a half hours of sleep last night, but it was REALLY GOOD SLEEP. :) I woke up feeling tired, but not like I normally did when I had drunk the night before. I actually woke and played on my phone for a half an hour instead of hitting the snooze button until the last possible minute.
At work I was really productive and didn't feel the horrible grogginess and fuzzy headedness that usually accompany me on a Monday after a weekend binge session. In fact I didn't even start to feel like I was running out of steam until late afternoon. Normally I'm ready to tap out by noon at the latest. Heh.
The last half hour or so though I started to feel anxious. Knowing that I couldn't drink when I got home. How in the world am I going to relax after a full days work without it? It's the times when I used to anticipate and look forward to "relaxing" when I got home that make me feel the most anxious/sad. And I understand why. This has been my crutch for almost half my life. That's a tough one to get over, and I don't anticipate the sorrow going anywhere any time soon. That sucks out loud.
Just had a convo with Hubs. He didn't realize quite what I was doing with all this. He thought I was just taking a couple days off so we just had a heart to heart. He is of course 100% behind me, but now that he realizes what I'm doing he wants to be here more to help me out. I appreciate that more than I can say. He's been through what I'm going through and that fact is priceless to me.
We haven't gotten any answers yet, but his support is just what I needed to hear tonight.
Random thing I noticed: My allergies are gone. I've been allergic to my dogs as long as I've had them. I sneeze, I snot, and blow my nose multiple times a night to the point where the basket is overflowing. This is a daily thing when I forget to take my Nasacort. Since I stopped drinking, I've barely had a sniffle! What's up with that? No seriously, what is up with that? Is that common?
Anyhoo, time to eat some dinner and go lay down and read. I'm getting A LOT of reading done. :-)
Sunday, August 12, 2018
68 Hours
68 hours since my last drink.
Last night was soooo much better as far as sleep went.
I went through all of yesterday feeling hungover, not because I had drunk the night before (I hadn't) but because I couldn't sleep withOUT the alcohol and only ended up getting around four hours of fitful sleep.
Last night I took some CBD oil, some herbal calmatives and went to bed around eight. I read my book until my eyes got heavy and put it down. I had some jerky moments when I was on the cusp of sleep that woke me up, but instead of reaching for the book again, I let myself try to relax. It finally worked around ten and I was able to successfully sleep throughout the night with only minor waking when the dogs were restless or my husband snored too loudly. However, I was able to get back to sleep easily after.
I really really really hope this keeps up. I don't think I can function at work on Monday with another sleepless night like I had Friday.
Interesting tidbit. My fitbit showed that my resting heart rate is considerably lower through the night than it was when I drank before bed. I had read that alcohol raises your pulse, but I never put THAT much thought into it. You would think it would lower it because the booze "relaxes" you, but that is not the case.
On a drinking night (EVERY NIGHT), my heart rate never dipped below 78 and mostly stayed in the 90s sometimes spiking to the 100s.
Last night it never went above 89, stayed mostly in the 70s and went as low as 63!
I found that very informative. Especially given the heart episode I had on Friday. I've been making my poor ticker work way harder than it needed to!
Today we got up around 8:30 and headed out to see Hub's mom in the hospital. There is a stretch of freeway on the way there that usually gives me anxiety. I didn't notice until after we passed it that I hadn't even thought about it to get anxious. It just didn't occur to me. After that it was grocery shopping. It was weird to not pick up a couple of bottles of vodka. I still picked up my soda that I use as a chaser because as I mentioned last entry, it helps me somehow to still have that routine to go into the kitchen and get a drink - even if it is only sparkling water.
We got home a few hours ago. Today feels easier. Less anxiety about not drinking. Less anxiety overall and that comes FROM the not drinking and getting a good nights sleep. It is so bizarre to me that the very thing that I was anxious about not doing was the very thing that GAVE me the anxiety in the first place!
My face wasn't as red and puffy as it normally is in the morning. In fact I've lost three pounds in the last two days.
I know it is super early in the game and I am thankful for these small positive things to keep me motivated. You would think it gets easier from here, but from what I've read it just gets harder.
Two weeks from now my husband is taking a solo trip for a little less than a week. That will be a test! Me, all alone in the house with no one to answer to. Not that he cared that I drank before (other than my health), but that is how my brain works. Like that of a child that is left alone to be naughty and can get away with it.
I can't predict what I will do. I can only try to do my best.
Last night was soooo much better as far as sleep went.
I went through all of yesterday feeling hungover, not because I had drunk the night before (I hadn't) but because I couldn't sleep withOUT the alcohol and only ended up getting around four hours of fitful sleep.
Last night I took some CBD oil, some herbal calmatives and went to bed around eight. I read my book until my eyes got heavy and put it down. I had some jerky moments when I was on the cusp of sleep that woke me up, but instead of reaching for the book again, I let myself try to relax. It finally worked around ten and I was able to successfully sleep throughout the night with only minor waking when the dogs were restless or my husband snored too loudly. However, I was able to get back to sleep easily after.
I really really really hope this keeps up. I don't think I can function at work on Monday with another sleepless night like I had Friday.
Interesting tidbit. My fitbit showed that my resting heart rate is considerably lower through the night than it was when I drank before bed. I had read that alcohol raises your pulse, but I never put THAT much thought into it. You would think it would lower it because the booze "relaxes" you, but that is not the case.
On a drinking night (EVERY NIGHT), my heart rate never dipped below 78 and mostly stayed in the 90s sometimes spiking to the 100s.
Last night it never went above 89, stayed mostly in the 70s and went as low as 63!
I found that very informative. Especially given the heart episode I had on Friday. I've been making my poor ticker work way harder than it needed to!
Today we got up around 8:30 and headed out to see Hub's mom in the hospital. There is a stretch of freeway on the way there that usually gives me anxiety. I didn't notice until after we passed it that I hadn't even thought about it to get anxious. It just didn't occur to me. After that it was grocery shopping. It was weird to not pick up a couple of bottles of vodka. I still picked up my soda that I use as a chaser because as I mentioned last entry, it helps me somehow to still have that routine to go into the kitchen and get a drink - even if it is only sparkling water.
We got home a few hours ago. Today feels easier. Less anxiety about not drinking. Less anxiety overall and that comes FROM the not drinking and getting a good nights sleep. It is so bizarre to me that the very thing that I was anxious about not doing was the very thing that GAVE me the anxiety in the first place!
My face wasn't as red and puffy as it normally is in the morning. In fact I've lost three pounds in the last two days.
I know it is super early in the game and I am thankful for these small positive things to keep me motivated. You would think it gets easier from here, but from what I've read it just gets harder.
Two weeks from now my husband is taking a solo trip for a little less than a week. That will be a test! Me, all alone in the house with no one to answer to. Not that he cared that I drank before (other than my health), but that is how my brain works. Like that of a child that is left alone to be naughty and can get away with it.
I can't predict what I will do. I can only try to do my best.
Saturday, August 11, 2018
40 hours
Welp, it took a little longer than I said it was going to, but I finally went without a drink last night - for the first time in a while - and not just because we had been out at a social engagement and come home late.
No, my reason was much scarier than that.
Yesterday, while at work I had sudden onset of rapid heartbeat.
Now, it is no secret that I am prone to panic attacks, and said panic attacks cause a rapid heartbeat, but this just came out of the blue for no reason and it happened SO FAST!
I was sitting at my desk eating pecans and musing that I must be so hungry because I was still on my period, when all of a sudden it felt like my heart went out of rhythm. Like three weird beats and then it just started hammering. I quickly grabbed my heart rate monitor and put it on my finger - it registered 130. I immedietly felt a panic flush and that sent the heart rate even higher climbing to 150. My heart has never gone that fast and all in a matter of seconds! My regular resting pulse is around 80 and all I was doing was sitting down.
Long story short (mostly because I don't want to relive it and set myself into a panic again), my coworkers laid me down in the break room and called my husband. They had me do deep breathing and I was starting to calm down by the time Hubs got there.
He took me to urgent care, they did an EKG and said that it indicated that I might be deficient in electrolytes. Calcium, magnesium, vitamin D and potasium. Apparently those being low on one or more of those things can cause Arrhythmias. He ordered me to go get blood work done, which I did and we went home. I won't know anything about the tests until next week. The doc told me if it happens again to go to the ER.
Here's the thing. Hubs and I are both on Keto diets and have been for the last two months. I know that these diets can flush out all of the above electrolytes. I haven't been supplementing them a whole lot but I have been trying to drink a lot of water.
Here's the other thing: Alcohol abuse also robs you of all of those nutrients. I've been giving my body a double whammy. And I've been doing it with the alcohol for 20 years.
It scared the shit out of me.
I had never felt so out of control and helpless about my health as I did at work yesterday. And I never want to again. EVER!
I have been lucky at a lot of things in my drinking career. My last batch of blood work showed my liver levels to be fine. But clearly all the years of drinking are taking a toll on my ticker.
Last night Hubs had a gig that I had planned to attend since it was fairly local. I stayed home obviously and he asked me very nicely to not drink. And if I did, to at least "be kind to" myself and don't go overboard.
The sad thing is - as scared as I was of what had just happened, I was almost more scared not to drink. Seriously. When you have gotten drunk pretty much everyday for the last 20 years, give or take a few vacation, it is scary to think of not being able to do so. It's also scary to wonder about withdrawals. Will it hurt my heart even more NOT to drink? If I start to have withdrawals, will that cause even more damage? So many fears and questions about the unknown.
Hubs tried to take a nap when we got home and I hopped on the interwebs and researched all things electrolytes, hearts and alcohol abuse. All signs pointed to NOT GOOD.
When Hubs left around 7:00, I still hadn't had a drink. I had taken some CBD oil and that was helping with the anxiety and fear of not drinking. I also grabbed one of my usual "chasers" (sparkling water) and went into the kitchen to have a few sips periodically to help with losing my "routine".
At that point I was past the point of hunger where nothing in our fridge appealed to me. I didn't want to stay in ketosis that night after what had happened with my heart. I grabbed an old lean cuisine pizza from the freezer and ate half of that.
I took an herbal calmative supplement and attempted to go to bed and read. I read for hours. I would read for a while, put the book down and try to sleep, not be able to sleep and start reading again.
I know that part of this was because I was worried about being alone in my house in case I had another episode, but mostly it was the lack of booze. There was no lubricant to make me sleepy. I've gotten to the point in my drinking that I cannot sleep without it. That alone speaks volumes.
I was still awake when my husband got home at two in the morning. Sooo tired, but not sleepy.
I got up and we talked about his show and how I couldn't sleep. He told me to go have drinks if I needed them, and I love that he is so non judgemental about it. But I didn't. I took some more CBD oil and attempted to go back to bed. I read some more.
I finally dropped off somewhere after 3:30. I slept fitfully. I would start to fall asleep and jerk myself awake. This happened very often, and every time it did I would get scared that I was having a withdrawal induced seizure. (Guys, living in my brain is no joke! No wonder I drink!)
I reckon I got about 4 hours max of restless sleep.
So while I didn't drink last night, I woke up feeling kind of hungover from lack of sleep. I laid in bed and read for another two hours before showing my face in the bright daylight.
Hubs is currently napping because he got about as much sleep as I did. I wish I could nap.
Dude, alcohol withdrawal insomnia is no joke!
I've just taken my first dose of CBD oil for the day. On a normal Saturday with no plans I would be two hours into the vodka by now. Even though my husband isn't asking me not to drink today ( I think he thought I would just go back to my routine if I didn't have any further complications last night) I am determined not to.
I'll find out in an hour or so if it is more difficult for me to not drink when he is home or away. Last night was hard, but at least I didn't have to make small talk, or talk about how I was doing. I feel like that will make me more anxious.
So there it is. I've been 40 hours without a drink as of right now. It's freaking boring.
No, my reason was much scarier than that.
Yesterday, while at work I had sudden onset of rapid heartbeat.
Now, it is no secret that I am prone to panic attacks, and said panic attacks cause a rapid heartbeat, but this just came out of the blue for no reason and it happened SO FAST!
I was sitting at my desk eating pecans and musing that I must be so hungry because I was still on my period, when all of a sudden it felt like my heart went out of rhythm. Like three weird beats and then it just started hammering. I quickly grabbed my heart rate monitor and put it on my finger - it registered 130. I immedietly felt a panic flush and that sent the heart rate even higher climbing to 150. My heart has never gone that fast and all in a matter of seconds! My regular resting pulse is around 80 and all I was doing was sitting down.
Long story short (mostly because I don't want to relive it and set myself into a panic again), my coworkers laid me down in the break room and called my husband. They had me do deep breathing and I was starting to calm down by the time Hubs got there.
He took me to urgent care, they did an EKG and said that it indicated that I might be deficient in electrolytes. Calcium, magnesium, vitamin D and potasium. Apparently those being low on one or more of those things can cause Arrhythmias. He ordered me to go get blood work done, which I did and we went home. I won't know anything about the tests until next week. The doc told me if it happens again to go to the ER.
Here's the thing. Hubs and I are both on Keto diets and have been for the last two months. I know that these diets can flush out all of the above electrolytes. I haven't been supplementing them a whole lot but I have been trying to drink a lot of water.
Here's the other thing: Alcohol abuse also robs you of all of those nutrients. I've been giving my body a double whammy. And I've been doing it with the alcohol for 20 years.
It scared the shit out of me.
I had never felt so out of control and helpless about my health as I did at work yesterday. And I never want to again. EVER!
I have been lucky at a lot of things in my drinking career. My last batch of blood work showed my liver levels to be fine. But clearly all the years of drinking are taking a toll on my ticker.
Last night Hubs had a gig that I had planned to attend since it was fairly local. I stayed home obviously and he asked me very nicely to not drink. And if I did, to at least "be kind to" myself and don't go overboard.
The sad thing is - as scared as I was of what had just happened, I was almost more scared not to drink. Seriously. When you have gotten drunk pretty much everyday for the last 20 years, give or take a few vacation, it is scary to think of not being able to do so. It's also scary to wonder about withdrawals. Will it hurt my heart even more NOT to drink? If I start to have withdrawals, will that cause even more damage? So many fears and questions about the unknown.
Hubs tried to take a nap when we got home and I hopped on the interwebs and researched all things electrolytes, hearts and alcohol abuse. All signs pointed to NOT GOOD.
When Hubs left around 7:00, I still hadn't had a drink. I had taken some CBD oil and that was helping with the anxiety and fear of not drinking. I also grabbed one of my usual "chasers" (sparkling water) and went into the kitchen to have a few sips periodically to help with losing my "routine".
At that point I was past the point of hunger where nothing in our fridge appealed to me. I didn't want to stay in ketosis that night after what had happened with my heart. I grabbed an old lean cuisine pizza from the freezer and ate half of that.
I took an herbal calmative supplement and attempted to go to bed and read. I read for hours. I would read for a while, put the book down and try to sleep, not be able to sleep and start reading again.
I know that part of this was because I was worried about being alone in my house in case I had another episode, but mostly it was the lack of booze. There was no lubricant to make me sleepy. I've gotten to the point in my drinking that I cannot sleep without it. That alone speaks volumes.
I was still awake when my husband got home at two in the morning. Sooo tired, but not sleepy.
I got up and we talked about his show and how I couldn't sleep. He told me to go have drinks if I needed them, and I love that he is so non judgemental about it. But I didn't. I took some more CBD oil and attempted to go back to bed. I read some more.
I finally dropped off somewhere after 3:30. I slept fitfully. I would start to fall asleep and jerk myself awake. This happened very often, and every time it did I would get scared that I was having a withdrawal induced seizure. (Guys, living in my brain is no joke! No wonder I drink!)
I reckon I got about 4 hours max of restless sleep.
So while I didn't drink last night, I woke up feeling kind of hungover from lack of sleep. I laid in bed and read for another two hours before showing my face in the bright daylight.
Hubs is currently napping because he got about as much sleep as I did. I wish I could nap.
Dude, alcohol withdrawal insomnia is no joke!
I've just taken my first dose of CBD oil for the day. On a normal Saturday with no plans I would be two hours into the vodka by now. Even though my husband isn't asking me not to drink today ( I think he thought I would just go back to my routine if I didn't have any further complications last night) I am determined not to.
I'll find out in an hour or so if it is more difficult for me to not drink when he is home or away. Last night was hard, but at least I didn't have to make small talk, or talk about how I was doing. I feel like that will make me more anxious.
So there it is. I've been 40 hours without a drink as of right now. It's freaking boring.
Monday, June 25, 2018
Today
This is some hard shit y'all.
So yesterday I did about the same as Saturday. Started late and drank slow...about half of what I would normally do. Ate and put myself to bed around 7:30. Not feeling drunk at all. Not even really buzzed. I read for an hour and a half until the light had faded from outside and my eyes were closing on me.
I snuggled in with my favorite fluffy comforter and drifted a bit, but I'll be darned if I could get to sleep. For hours. I tossed and turned...drifted for a minute or two and then tossed some more. Long after my husband had come to bed.
Finally around one or so I took a hit of CBD vape and still had a hard time. I would finally start to fall asleep and would then jerk myself awake. I would say that I probably would sleep after that for about an hour at a time before something would wake me. Either myself or one of the dogs.
Of course once my alarm went off I was sleeping like a baby and didn't want to get up.
Having said that, I still felt better rested this morning and today than if I had passed out drunk like I normally do on Sundays. I was not expecting that. I was expecting to drag today.
So other things of notice -- In my bloodwork panel from last week, my doc told me that I was highly deficient in vitamin D. She gave me a script for some high dose vitamin D pills and I was going to start taking them today but the sheer dosage made me scared. (The irony that I can pound vodka on a daily basis just fine, but I am worried about a high dose vitamin is not lost on me here.) I am lucky enough to work at a place that sells holistic whole food supplements so I went looking for an alternative. I found a vitamin that contained 1600 iu's of D per two pills and paired that with some magnesium capsules, I decided I would give that a chance. Apparently the Magnesium helps you absorb the D better.
So having said that, and having not drank as much as normal yesterday...I have to say that after taking those pills and getting into my work day, that I felt like a million bucks. My anxiety was GONE. I felt good.
I was of course cautious, because this hasn't been my mood in a long time and it was very foreign to me. I felt...dare I say, happy? I was laughing and joking with my coworkers. Something I haven't done much in the last two weeks. I didn't even have to touch my CBD oil today.
This feeling lasted throughout the day. I felt like I was on a high. I couldn't wait to get home and NOT drink.
That stayed with me until I walked through my front door.
You see my husband is at rehearsal tonight and that normally means I get the house to myself to imbibe and do things at my leisure. Not that I don't normally, but I don't have him around silently judging.
As soon as I walked in the house my brain said: "Oh Xay, just have one drink. It'll be fine." and the nerves were back. Not full on panic, and if I had been true to sticking with my plan I would have CBD'd and told my brain to fuck off. But that pull....that draw is so strong. It's not even so much as physical. Although TBH, I did a lot of research today on withdrawls and what I will have to look forward to and it scared the piss out of me. But in full disclosure, I also remembered that two years ago we went on a two week trip overseas staying with relatives and I didn't touch a drop the entire time. I was FINE. In fact it was probably the best vacation we have had together because I was engaged and we were filling our days with activities instead of holing up in a hotel to drink most of the evening away.
This isn't easy.
I am determined to keep trying though. I'm hoping that with my hubby home tomorrow night I will feel more willpower. He knows that I am trying and he is totally my cheerleader without being preachy. He knows what I am going through. He's been there. It helps a bit I think.
I still don't plan on drinking to excess tonight, but it was hard not being able to sleep last night. I read somewhere today that that is the reason for a big percentage of relapses. Trying to get to sleep after simply passing out for so long is fucking difficult!
Hmph. So that is where I am right now. I've just made salads for our dinners and lunches tomorrow and I think I'll fire up the telly to see what kind of documentary I can get lost in.
Tomorrow is another day.
So yesterday I did about the same as Saturday. Started late and drank slow...about half of what I would normally do. Ate and put myself to bed around 7:30. Not feeling drunk at all. Not even really buzzed. I read for an hour and a half until the light had faded from outside and my eyes were closing on me.
I snuggled in with my favorite fluffy comforter and drifted a bit, but I'll be darned if I could get to sleep. For hours. I tossed and turned...drifted for a minute or two and then tossed some more. Long after my husband had come to bed.
Finally around one or so I took a hit of CBD vape and still had a hard time. I would finally start to fall asleep and would then jerk myself awake. I would say that I probably would sleep after that for about an hour at a time before something would wake me. Either myself or one of the dogs.
Of course once my alarm went off I was sleeping like a baby and didn't want to get up.
Having said that, I still felt better rested this morning and today than if I had passed out drunk like I normally do on Sundays. I was not expecting that. I was expecting to drag today.
So other things of notice -- In my bloodwork panel from last week, my doc told me that I was highly deficient in vitamin D. She gave me a script for some high dose vitamin D pills and I was going to start taking them today but the sheer dosage made me scared. (The irony that I can pound vodka on a daily basis just fine, but I am worried about a high dose vitamin is not lost on me here.) I am lucky enough to work at a place that sells holistic whole food supplements so I went looking for an alternative. I found a vitamin that contained 1600 iu's of D per two pills and paired that with some magnesium capsules, I decided I would give that a chance. Apparently the Magnesium helps you absorb the D better.
So having said that, and having not drank as much as normal yesterday...I have to say that after taking those pills and getting into my work day, that I felt like a million bucks. My anxiety was GONE. I felt good.
I was of course cautious, because this hasn't been my mood in a long time and it was very foreign to me. I felt...dare I say, happy? I was laughing and joking with my coworkers. Something I haven't done much in the last two weeks. I didn't even have to touch my CBD oil today.
This feeling lasted throughout the day. I felt like I was on a high. I couldn't wait to get home and NOT drink.
That stayed with me until I walked through my front door.
You see my husband is at rehearsal tonight and that normally means I get the house to myself to imbibe and do things at my leisure. Not that I don't normally, but I don't have him around silently judging.
As soon as I walked in the house my brain said: "Oh Xay, just have one drink. It'll be fine." and the nerves were back. Not full on panic, and if I had been true to sticking with my plan I would have CBD'd and told my brain to fuck off. But that pull....that draw is so strong. It's not even so much as physical. Although TBH, I did a lot of research today on withdrawls and what I will have to look forward to and it scared the piss out of me. But in full disclosure, I also remembered that two years ago we went on a two week trip overseas staying with relatives and I didn't touch a drop the entire time. I was FINE. In fact it was probably the best vacation we have had together because I was engaged and we were filling our days with activities instead of holing up in a hotel to drink most of the evening away.
This isn't easy.
I am determined to keep trying though. I'm hoping that with my hubby home tomorrow night I will feel more willpower. He knows that I am trying and he is totally my cheerleader without being preachy. He knows what I am going through. He's been there. It helps a bit I think.
I still don't plan on drinking to excess tonight, but it was hard not being able to sleep last night. I read somewhere today that that is the reason for a big percentage of relapses. Trying to get to sleep after simply passing out for so long is fucking difficult!
Hmph. So that is where I am right now. I've just made salads for our dinners and lunches tomorrow and I think I'll fire up the telly to see what kind of documentary I can get lost in.
Tomorrow is another day.
Sunday, June 24, 2018
Weekends
When my husband and I were in the height of our drinking days
together, we would have what we called "four drunk weekends". What that
meant was that we would start drinking as early as possible on
Saturdays to pass out in the early afternoon. Wake up in the evening
and start over again. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
As we got older, it got increasingly harder to drink through a hangover and we switched to a slow day drinking to pass out in the evenings and sleep the whole night through.
As I thought about the journey I am going to attempt, I somehow thought that weekends would be the easiest. Thus starting my non drinking trial on a Saturday or Sunday would be the best option. I'm really not sure why I thought that, but it seemed justified.
Yesterday, I wasn't sure what the plan was. My husband(let's call him Marty), was out most of the afternoon with rehearsal. I woke up, lolled around in bed on my phone and saw him off to practice. I then got up and headed to the grocery store. I dosed with CBD oil and took my herbal calmative...forgetting to space them out with my antidepressant. I don't have any solid evidence that they might have any interactions, but I don't like to take chances.
As we got older, it got increasingly harder to drink through a hangover and we switched to a slow day drinking to pass out in the evenings and sleep the whole night through.
As I thought about the journey I am going to attempt, I somehow thought that weekends would be the easiest. Thus starting my non drinking trial on a Saturday or Sunday would be the best option. I'm really not sure why I thought that, but it seemed justified.
Yesterday, I wasn't sure what the plan was. My husband(let's call him Marty), was out most of the afternoon with rehearsal. I woke up, lolled around in bed on my phone and saw him off to practice. I then got up and headed to the grocery store. I dosed with CBD oil and took my herbal calmative...forgetting to space them out with my antidepressant. I don't have any solid evidence that they might have any interactions, but I don't like to take chances.
I was feeling pretty good in the car and even drove to the further
and better grocery store because I felt pretty okay. Once I got there
and started shopping I started to have a mild panic attack. I think it
was because I had to take a pretty severe poop and I hate doing that in
public. I went to the bathroom there anyway, but then couldn't seem to
shake the panic. I started to have some pains and palpitations.
When I finally finished at the store and loaded the groceries into my car, I had to sit in the drivers seat and just breathe for a few minutes. Once again, convinced I was on the verge of a heart attack.
I had to stop at the other store on the way back home to pick up a prescription so I did that and then stopped for gas. Once I got home and I had brought the groceries into the car I stopped to evaluate the "palpitation" I kept feeling and realized it was kind of below my breastbone. Like half there and half below.
Now, I've been researching what could cause chest pains other than heart and there are three factors that could possibly be my problem. The first one is called Spinal Angina or something like that. It's when something is misaligned or pinched in your back and can cause pains that can be felt in your chest. I got the first pain in the middle of the night, the night after I had just been adjusted by my chiropractor. Normally he's really good and thorough, but he was closing his practice this month and he kinda rushed me through the adjustment because he had patients waiting after me(normally I am the last patient of the night).
The second is the panic attack itself. The panic attack can cause chest pains and heart palpitations, rapid heartbeat ect. It's just the state of panic that you are in.
The third is a hiatal hernia. Now I have long suspected myself of having HH. I always feel like I have to sit up super straight to get a deep breath. My midsection right under my boobs always feels kind of full and bloated.
The reason I explain all this, is because as I was convinced I was having a heart attack after bringing in the groceries and feeling that palpitation might be more of a gurgle, I decided to try an exercise I had read about in my research. It's a stretching kind of thing to move the hernia out of the chest area and back into the abdomen where it belongs. It's kind of a weird thing to do and I didn't know if I was doing it right, but soon I felt that "palpitation" go lower, into my upper stomach area instead of my chest.
I wish I could say that it cured my panic for the rest of the day. I think if my husband had been home to distract me, it might have been better. But no, I was alone to think about all the things that could go wrong in his absence.
So I put the groceries away, took another dose of CBD oil and laid down in bed to read. I finished the book I was reading and sort of got up and putted around. I got a text from Marty that he was on his way home and would be there in about an hour or so.
The problem with the weekend, is that there is too much time. Too much time to think and to contemplate whether or not you should drink. The thought of not drinking causes a panic to seep into my body and that starts the vicious cycle of panic/chest pain all over again.
I should point out that as a general rule, I don't have the pains that often without the panic and if I do, moving position generally makes the pain go away. *knocks wood* That makes me thing it is a muscu-skelital issue as well.
However, since Marty had his heart attack and I found out my cholesterol is pretty high, I've been paranoid about my heart to the point of insanity. (Side note: I will be getting a CT scan done to check for calcification in my arteries, but the first visit they had available isn't until the 11th)
So what did I do yesterday?
Well, I spent most of the afternoon in bed reading. I did have a drink around three thirty, right before Marty came home. Normally I start at noon.
I'm sure you are rolling your eyes, but this was a pretty big step for me. I also only drank about half of what I would normally do on a Sunday. I didn't drink myself into a black out. I ate dinner and went to bed early, reading some more in a new book.
So yes, I drank. But I did make some progress towards my goal I think.
I woke up this morning feeling NOT hungover and a lot less panicky because of that fact. I know that drinking only increases my anxiety when I am not actually drinking. Hangovers are a breeding ground for panic attacks and paranoia for me. That is one of the major factors in my wanting to finally stop for a while.
It's hard.
So I might follow in yesterdays steps today too. Marty and I had talked about going out and doing something tonight, but I don't think my anxiety is in a place where I want to do that yet.
My hope is to just do CBD oil when I get home from work. Cook dinner, relax and go to bed at a decent hour. Hit some CBD vape if I can't get to sleep right away. I found that on Thursday night when I had minimal drinks and did the above that even though I got less sleep than normal and it was only one hour at a time, the sleep was of a much better quality. And even thought I got three or four hours less of sleep than I would on a regular drinking night, I felt more rested than normal.
Anyway, this is my way of chronicling my journey, so I know what I have done and how it might have helped.
I can't promise to be an inspiration, but I can promise to be honest.
When I finally finished at the store and loaded the groceries into my car, I had to sit in the drivers seat and just breathe for a few minutes. Once again, convinced I was on the verge of a heart attack.
I had to stop at the other store on the way back home to pick up a prescription so I did that and then stopped for gas. Once I got home and I had brought the groceries into the car I stopped to evaluate the "palpitation" I kept feeling and realized it was kind of below my breastbone. Like half there and half below.
Now, I've been researching what could cause chest pains other than heart and there are three factors that could possibly be my problem. The first one is called Spinal Angina or something like that. It's when something is misaligned or pinched in your back and can cause pains that can be felt in your chest. I got the first pain in the middle of the night, the night after I had just been adjusted by my chiropractor. Normally he's really good and thorough, but he was closing his practice this month and he kinda rushed me through the adjustment because he had patients waiting after me(normally I am the last patient of the night).
The second is the panic attack itself. The panic attack can cause chest pains and heart palpitations, rapid heartbeat ect. It's just the state of panic that you are in.
The third is a hiatal hernia. Now I have long suspected myself of having HH. I always feel like I have to sit up super straight to get a deep breath. My midsection right under my boobs always feels kind of full and bloated.
The reason I explain all this, is because as I was convinced I was having a heart attack after bringing in the groceries and feeling that palpitation might be more of a gurgle, I decided to try an exercise I had read about in my research. It's a stretching kind of thing to move the hernia out of the chest area and back into the abdomen where it belongs. It's kind of a weird thing to do and I didn't know if I was doing it right, but soon I felt that "palpitation" go lower, into my upper stomach area instead of my chest.
I wish I could say that it cured my panic for the rest of the day. I think if my husband had been home to distract me, it might have been better. But no, I was alone to think about all the things that could go wrong in his absence.
So I put the groceries away, took another dose of CBD oil and laid down in bed to read. I finished the book I was reading and sort of got up and putted around. I got a text from Marty that he was on his way home and would be there in about an hour or so.
The problem with the weekend, is that there is too much time. Too much time to think and to contemplate whether or not you should drink. The thought of not drinking causes a panic to seep into my body and that starts the vicious cycle of panic/chest pain all over again.
I should point out that as a general rule, I don't have the pains that often without the panic and if I do, moving position generally makes the pain go away. *knocks wood* That makes me thing it is a muscu-skelital issue as well.
However, since Marty had his heart attack and I found out my cholesterol is pretty high, I've been paranoid about my heart to the point of insanity. (Side note: I will be getting a CT scan done to check for calcification in my arteries, but the first visit they had available isn't until the 11th)
So what did I do yesterday?
Well, I spent most of the afternoon in bed reading. I did have a drink around three thirty, right before Marty came home. Normally I start at noon.
I'm sure you are rolling your eyes, but this was a pretty big step for me. I also only drank about half of what I would normally do on a Sunday. I didn't drink myself into a black out. I ate dinner and went to bed early, reading some more in a new book.
So yes, I drank. But I did make some progress towards my goal I think.
I woke up this morning feeling NOT hungover and a lot less panicky because of that fact. I know that drinking only increases my anxiety when I am not actually drinking. Hangovers are a breeding ground for panic attacks and paranoia for me. That is one of the major factors in my wanting to finally stop for a while.
It's hard.
So I might follow in yesterdays steps today too. Marty and I had talked about going out and doing something tonight, but I don't think my anxiety is in a place where I want to do that yet.
My hope is to just do CBD oil when I get home from work. Cook dinner, relax and go to bed at a decent hour. Hit some CBD vape if I can't get to sleep right away. I found that on Thursday night when I had minimal drinks and did the above that even though I got less sleep than normal and it was only one hour at a time, the sleep was of a much better quality. And even thought I got three or four hours less of sleep than I would on a regular drinking night, I felt more rested than normal.
Anyway, this is my way of chronicling my journey, so I know what I have done and how it might have helped.
I can't promise to be an inspiration, but I can promise to be honest.
Friday, June 22, 2018
Introduction
This is a pretty serious diary for me. My name and all listed in
here will be fictionalized to protect the innocent and the guilty.
My name is Axalea, and I'm an alcoholic. Truly still. I am drinking vodka currently.
However, this journal is going to chronicle my journey into taking a break from drinking. I'm not sure I want to even get sober, but for health reasons, I know that I need to at least get control of my drinking.
I have been a steady drinker for the last 20 plus years. It started as a social thing after turning 21 and increased from there.
I have a lot of issues in my childhood that probably helped my drinking along, but no one put that bottle in my hand but me.
When I was 25 in 1999 I met a fellow drinker and we married. We are truly in love and the fact that we both boozed was a bonus.
We drank nightly until he developed pancreatitis in 2004ish and he had to quit to save his life. I swore I would quit with him, but I didn't.
He switched to pot and it never really became an issue as we both had our vices. He would occasionally talk to me about taking a break because he didn't want me to go thru the same health issues that he did.
He had a heart attack in December. He had been off the sauce and on pot since the pancreatitis, but his eating wasn't the cleanest and neither has mine been.
I had a blood panel done for the first time in 20 years last week and my cholesterol is thru the roof. I am having chest pains and generally feeling like crap.
My name is Axalea, and I'm an alcoholic. Truly still. I am drinking vodka currently.
However, this journal is going to chronicle my journey into taking a break from drinking. I'm not sure I want to even get sober, but for health reasons, I know that I need to at least get control of my drinking.
I have been a steady drinker for the last 20 plus years. It started as a social thing after turning 21 and increased from there.
I have a lot of issues in my childhood that probably helped my drinking along, but no one put that bottle in my hand but me.
When I was 25 in 1999 I met a fellow drinker and we married. We are truly in love and the fact that we both boozed was a bonus.
We drank nightly until he developed pancreatitis in 2004ish and he had to quit to save his life. I swore I would quit with him, but I didn't.
He switched to pot and it never really became an issue as we both had our vices. He would occasionally talk to me about taking a break because he didn't want me to go thru the same health issues that he did.
He had a heart attack in December. He had been off the sauce and on pot since the pancreatitis, but his eating wasn't the cleanest and neither has mine been.
I had a blood panel done for the first time in 20 years last week and my cholesterol is thru the roof. I am having chest pains and generally feeling like crap.
Last night I only drank a small amount and used CBD oil to get to
sleep...I slept poorly but the sleep that I did get seemed better than
what I would normally get on a full night of drunk sleep.
Tonight is Friday night and I've been drinking, but doing research on CBD oil and quitting drinking. It is proving to be quite impressive. I cannot do a great deal of THC because I have major anxiety (a product of the drinking?) and it makes me that much worse. However, CBD oil is proving to be a valuable asset in the calming of my nerves and depression. It looks like it can also help with the booze cravings in a higher dosage.
So this is a readers digest version of my background and how I am hoping to turn it around.
Tonight is Friday night and I've been drinking, but doing research on CBD oil and quitting drinking. It is proving to be quite impressive. I cannot do a great deal of THC because I have major anxiety (a product of the drinking?) and it makes me that much worse. However, CBD oil is proving to be a valuable asset in the calming of my nerves and depression. It looks like it can also help with the booze cravings in a higher dosage.
So this is a readers digest version of my background and how I am hoping to turn it around.
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